The NFL season has finally arrived (Thank God) and while I’m already giving up on my fantasy team (Thanks Michael Crabtree), that doesn’t mean I’m not still pumped about the season. The only thing I love more than the NFL is probably Star Wars. So I thought I’d analyze all the divisions but make Star Wars analogies while doing so. So if you love Star Wars, then this is the analysis for you. And if you don’t…Well, try and keep up.
-Even though I’m a die hard Patriots fan, I have to characterize them as the Empire of this division. Belichick and Brady might as well be the Emperor and Darth Vader. Belichick is a genius who controls the division while Brady is the most powerful Jedi/Sith in the League with devastating power. The Jets on the other hand are Jabba the Hutt’s palace. Sexy Rexy is Jabba the Hutt while Darrelle Revis is his Rancor. But while they have defense, their offense is like Bib Fortuna. Totally inept (Sorry Sanchise). I guess we can call the Dolphins the Rebel Alliance – a feisty young group with interesting weapons who ultimately aren’t ready to take down the Empire. And the Bills…well, let’s just say they are Alderan.
Winner: New England Patriots
-A very tight division. We can immediately discount the Browns. Although the Bengals have flashy hired guns ala Boba Fett (TO), Palmer doesn’t have the skills anymore to get them past the other two teams. When I think of the Ravens, I immediately think an army of Wookies. I mean come on, how is Ray Lewis not like Chewbacca. In the end though, I think it will be the Steelers left standing. Big Ben will be back soon enough, and I see Troy Polamalu as Darth Maul here – just slicing everyone up in his path with a double bladed lightsaber.
Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers
-Man, another extremely tight race. Let’s discount the Jaguars who can be described as the plot of Episode I: the Phantom Menace: Unbelievably boring. Now I think the Texans are more like the Rebels at the end of Return of the Jedi. Ready to take down the Empire that is the Colts. Arian Foster looked like an army of Ewoks on Sunday. But they still have to contend with the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the League (Peyton Manning). And let’s not forget the Death Star of the NFL, RB Chris Johnson of the Titans. But ultimately I think they are too mediocre in every other area to overtake the Colts or the Texans.
Winner: Houston Texans
-Just call this division Hoth. It’s a division that’s isolated from the NFL, an abyss of crap. Sure you have a lurking Wampa in Phillip Rivers, but the Chargers are nothing special. The Chiefs are kind of interesting, but this hype will be short lived like Count Dooku’s career as a Sith. Denver is a huge work in progress. And the Raiders…let’s just call them the Battle Droids as Al Davis is inept as Nute Gunry, the viceroy of the Trade Federation.
Winner: San Diego Chargers
-This division is basically the second Death Star Battle at the end of Return of the Jedi: Complete and utter chaos filled with Star Destroyers, Tie Fighters, X-Wings, etc. I don’t know where to begin. The Eagles QB situation is about as stable as Jar Jar Binks. I just can’t take them seriously. It’s easy to call Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys another Empire, but these Cowboys haven’t accomplished anything even though they are loaded. And the Redskins…who knows? McNabb is like Luke Skywalker: Moments of brilliance mixed with moments of…not so brilliance. I think I have to go with Eli Manning’s bunch. They’ve been there before and have a balanced team. Just like Wedge Antilles…solid all around.
Winner: New York Giants
-The Bears will live and die by Jay Cutler, and I can sum him up like this: He’s Dak, Luke’s co-pilot in the Battle of Hoth who claimed he “felt like he could take on the whole Empire by himself,” but died 4 seconds into the battle. The Detroit Lions…improved, but not enough. This comes down to Packers and Vikings. Brett Favre is Mace Windu – an exceptionally powerful warrior whose last act completely screws over the Galaxy. I’ll take Aaron Rodgers. He’s Princess Leia – a fantastic leader who makes great decisions but also knows how to deliver the devastating attacks.
Winner: Green Bay Packers
-The Saints will dominate. Although Carolina has the Han Solo/Chewbacca running back tandem (DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart), their QB situation is more Jeck Porkins. Tampa Bay Bucs are merely Mynocks, slightly annoying. And the Atlanta Falcons are good, but Matt Ryan is highly overrated. I look at the Saints like I look at the Millenium Falcon. Their offense is not much to look at on paper, but Drew Brees is like the light speed of the ship. He makes it all look great.
Winner: New Orleans Saints
-If the AFC West is Hoth, then this is Dagobah. Another isolated division. Although Kurt Warner (Yoda) used to be here, he’s retired, becoming one with the force. Pretty much these four teams are just a bunch of insects and swamp monsters occupying the planet. I’ll just say the 49ers by default. What a terrible division.
Winner: San Francisco 49ers
There you have it, my NFL predictions with a touch of Star Wars. Remember, the NFL will be with you…always.