Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #5

Condorman (1981)

Plot: Woody Wilkins (Michael Crawford) is a cartoonist/comic book writer who likes to base his characters in real life situations, and even attempts to try things his heroes do in his stories.  Woody gets roped into espionage when he goes by the code name “Condorman,” one of his super hero characters, as he helps a Russian Agent (Barbara Carrera) defect to the United States.

The issue with the little known Condorman is that it can’t decide if it wants to be a comedy or real spy adventure story.  And of course because of this, it satisfies neither genre, which is a big no-no.  The first scene of this movie shows Woody dressed as his newest character Condorman in a ridiculous bird costume trying to jump off the Eiffel tower.  He plops right into the water.  Okay, so tone set right?  A goofy comedic actioner is upon us.  That’s fine.  The problem is the movie isn’t funny at all.  There are a couple slightly goofy moments, but it feels like a real attempt at a spy film.  It’s kind of silly, but also kind of serious to the point where it’s bad.  There is one solid action scene with a couple cool gadgets, but other than that, it’s just a poor spy thriller and not funny at all.  I chuckled maybe twice.  And really…the premise of the movie is about a comic book writer with no spy training testing out theories for his comic books.  This needed to be funny.  Instead, it’s boring and a mess.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10 (Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Barbara Carrera as Natalia
-Not much to praise about acting wise in this movie.  But I don’t know, this character was very likable, so whatever.

Worst Performance: Michael Crawford as Woody Wilkins
-This was the biggest problem of the film by far.  For a guy who writes comic books and dresses up in bird costumes trying to fly around Paris, he came off as really bland.  How the hell does that happen?!  He overacts, but isn’t funny.  I didn’t care about him at all.  He just stinks.  Not a good performance.

Best Line: “When I go to America and start reading the Sunday Funnies and eating a Big Mac…” –Natalia
-There’s just something about someone in a Russian accent saying “Big Mac.”  I chuckled at this.

Worst Line: “I mean, Donald Duck, for example, he’s not a real duck.  He’s just a drawing.” –Harry Oslo
Okay, Harry says this line with the utmost seriousness, like’s he’s giving new information to someone.  Harry is talking to a high level American Government employee.  Just read this line again.  Really…this needs to be clarified!!!!

Best Fight:
-Not a lot to consider here, but I guess its in the beginning when Woody is in this seedy Istanbul bar and gets his first taste of action, taking out a bunch of random dudes with dishes and stuff.  It was just kind of unexpected.

WTF Moment:
-There is this villain named Morovich who looks like something out of Tron.  He’s got this eye that lights up silver and looks like a crystal or something, and they never explain it or if it does anything.  It’s just there.  I mean it’s a crystal eye and it’s never touched upon…WTF!

Best Scene:
-The one real good scene in the movie is a solid car chase.  The Condorman Car shoots out of this big hulking truck and has a bunch of neat gadgets.  At one point, a small black car barrels towards the Condorman Car and a ramp on the car slides out completely bagging the black car.  That was kind of cool.

Worst Scene:
-At the end, Woody and Harry are at this party disguised as Sheiks.  They just look really stupid and the scene goes on forever.  And then Woody rips off his sheik costume to reveal his new Condorman eagle outfit.  There’s something about going from the Sheik get-up to a bird costume that is just, well…stupid.

Funniest Moment:
-It’s actually the beginning during the opening credits where the theme song comes on and the lyrics are just people shouting “Condorman.”  That was funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Woody is disguised as a gypsy, he has this cane that’s really a machine gun.  This was bad ass, except it was ruined when Woody just bumbles around firing it.  But a cane turning into a gun is always a good thing I guess.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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