*Note: ‘The Meteor Man’ (1993) Review will be delayed.
The Fantastic Four (1994)
Plot: After Scientist Reed Richards (Alex Hyde-White) and his three crew members suffer an accident in space, they gain special abilities. Doom (Joseph Culp), who has ties to Reed’s past, wants to harness all four powers for himself.
When you have a scene where the Thing is offered to take a seat by a nervous Doctor, and he slowly walks over to it (we know what’s coming), breaking the seat as he sits down, you know you’re in for a rough movie. Man, is this terrible. I feel bad ripping it because it was never officially released. I guess it has some comic value, but it’s just shot so badly. The close-ups of the characters are embarrassing. Who edited this? It stays on these close-ups for long periods of time as the character continues to talk. The acting is overacting to the worst degree. There’s a scene where young Sue Storm (Mercedes McNab) painfully delivers “He’s dreamy” when talking about Reed. Yikes. The two romantic relationships are so poorly developed and rushed, its cringe worthy. The handling of Thing gripping with his rock-like look was half way decent, but everything else is pretty silly. His costume was passable, although when you get a close-up of his eyes, it’s pretty noticeable he’s in a costume. Dr. Doom’s castle looks straight out of He-man. In fact, that’s the perfect way to describe this movie; a bad cartoon episode. There are these strange munchkin guys who live underground, and are never explained! And eventually the movie just forgets about them. What the hell! You can’t have characters that weird and just leave their story. Bull shit. This is simply a bad movie, and I need to move on.
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)
Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)
Best Performance: Alex Hyde-White as Dr. Reed Richards
-The movie is engulfed with crap performances, but Hyde-White is decent. He commands the leadership and confidence of the role, taking it seriously. But really, it’s nothing to write home about. It’s just the best of the bunch.
Worst Performance: Jay Underwood as Johnny Storm
-Wow, this guy sucked. He’s gets over excited about everything. Even after they crash, he’s like, “Wow man that was unbelievable!” You just crashed! He throws about three shit fits that are just unbearable to watch as he scrunches up his face and flails his arms like a crazy person. But nothing can prepare you for when he’s about to sneeze, unleashing his fire powers for the first time. If there was an Oscar for Worst Sneeze in a Motion Picture, Jay Underwood would be the front runner.
Best Line: “Lover boy here is not quite himself today.” –Doom on Ben Grimm after he transforms back to human form
-There were barely any options. The only reason I’m picking this is because Doom sounds just like Rick Moranis’ Dark Helmet from Spaceballs and that voice is heard best with this line.
Worst Line: “Look at you. The Fantastic Four.” –Mrs. Storm
-Oh, come on. Let me set this up. The future Fantastic Four crew all get together in Mrs. Storm’s house, posing like they are about to take a Graduation photo and then the mom says this line with such pride. This made my ears bleed.
-The first time the Fantastic Four really use their powers for fighting wasn’t bad as they go up against random Doom minions. We see Reed Richards trip a bunch of guys, Sue Storm goes invisible and ducks as two dudes shoot each other, and all around good mashing from the Thing…not bad.
-Okay, I’m not a Fantastic Four aficionado by any means. I don’t know if this is part of the comics, but Reed Richard’s theory for their powers as mental/philosophical is pretty bad. His explanation for Sue and Johnny are passable, but when he says his stretching abilities are because he “stretches himself too thin,” I just have to turn my brain off.
-There’s actually a pretty cool visual moment when Johnny Storm turns into flame at the end. He flies out and has to re-direct this green ray. Yes, it looks like a video game, but I don’t know, the look of Johnny and him countering the green ray looked like something out of Tron. He looked kind of cool and it was a fairly well done sequence compared to the rest of the film.
-When the Thing first fights. A couple guys walk in, the camera spins like the Price is Right Wheel as we hear punching noises from an old sound board (but never see Thing’s arms move), and suddenly the guys are on the floor. You have to see it to believe it. Just terrible.
-Doom meets the Fantastic Four for the first time and gives his big villainous speech. He leaves the room briefly and comes back to find his minions lying on the ground and the Fantastic Four gone. What’s funny is he comes back like he’s still in the middle of his speech and then suddenly stops and goes, “Hmmmm.” This just caught me off guard. I thought he would scream in a rage or something. And once again, he reminded me a lot like Dark Helmet here.
Bad Ass Moment:
-Reed stretching his foot under an energy force field to turn it off was pretty neat.