Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #29

Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997)

Plot: The evil Divatox (Hilary Shepard Turner) vows to kidnap the wizard Lerigot (Jon Simanton) as he is the only one who can open the realm of the vicious monster Maligore (Mike Deak).  Divatox’s plan is to marry the monster, forging a powerful and evil union.  Only the Power Rangers can stop her.

This feels like it should be on TV.  I can’t believe it was in theaters.  Everything from the music, acting, settings, it just screams television.  Look, the first Power Rangers movie was no masterpiece, but at least I got by with a few fights.  They don’t even morph into the stupid Power Rangers until the last third of the movie!  And it doesn’t help that it’s slow as hell.  Cut me a break!  There are so many bad performances, including Jason (Austin St. John) whose lack of energy is really astounding.  It was like James Franco at the Oscars.  And I really hate Zordon (Bob Manahan).  His mouth doesn’t even move in this one.  His head just floats around in a fricking water tank all day.  He’s so useless!  Can someone just pour Drano down there and flush him out.  I just can’t stand the laziness of this film.  The wizard Lerigot can just use his random powers to solve anything.  He waves his fingers, a beam of light shoots out, and everything’s fine.  Wow…real creative.  And do I really need to sit through fart and condiment jokes in addition to terrible puns.  Oy-Vey.  But the worst part about this movie is the villains.  They are so fricking annoying.  I think this is the last Power Rangers movie I have to endure…Thank God.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10 (Atrocious)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Jason David Frank as Tommy Oliver/Red Turbo Ranger
-I guess he was passable.  Whatever.

Worst Performance: Hilary Shepard Turner as Divatox
-This was torturous.  She is so whiney, obnoxious, annoying, and loud.  Seriously, she screams everything.  “I didn’t even get a honeymooooooon!”  “I want my moooooooooomy.”  And that voice, oh man.  It’s a female Gilbert Gottfried.

Best Line: “We’re sinking.  Got to go!” –Elgar
-The boat is in total turmoil, but he’s on the phone.  He hangs up and says this like he’s having a casual conversation while things are blowing up around him.  I don’t know…it was kind of funny.  It’s the best I got, sorry.

Worst Line: “Evil is like evil does.” –Evil Kimberly
-As terrible as this line is, part of me is hopeful they wanted to totally rip off Forrest Gump and go with, “Evil is as evil does,” but someone at Paramount said, “No…we want no involvement with your movie,” and they had to find a cheap loop hole. 

Best Fight:
-Tommy and an evil version of Jason fight atop a volcano.  Once again, it was passable.

WTF Moment:
-This little kid Justin gets to be a Power Ranger!  What the hell!  Don’t they have some kind of application or interview process?  They just throw him right in there.  He’s like twelve!  Zordon is such an asshole, just throwing kids out there to potentially die. 

Best Scene:
-When the Rangers approach the magic ship that will take them through the portal to Maligore, it’s kind of creepy, dark, and dingy.  The setting looked okay.

Worst Scene:
-It’s the first scene where we’re introduced to Divatox and all her stupid minions.  It’s people in bad costumes bumbling around making bad puns while Divatox just screams at everything.  Kill me now.

Funniest Moment:
-Rocky is such a dumb ass.  The Rangers are training for this martial arts tournament and he does a stupid jump kick right out of the ring.  What are you doing?  Obviously you’re going to hit the floor hard.  He spends the entire movie in the hospital.  What an idiot.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Every time Maligore hits someone, blue electricity sparks out.  It was kind of cool.  Yea, it was hard to choose the positive categories for this movie, give me a break.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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