Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #31

Spawn (1997)

Plot: When an assassin (Michael Jai White) is killed by the corrupt Government Organization he works for, the Devil Malebolgia (Frank Welker voices) recruits him as ‘Spawn’ to lead Hell’s army into Earth.  His first act is to kill Jason Wynn (Martin Sheen), the Government Official who killed him, which will release a deadly virus around the World.  Spawn desperately wants revenge, but wrestles with killing millions as the Devil’s minion Clown (John Leguizamo) tries to force him into making the kill.

This is total garbage.  Give me a break!  And I’m sure this is the type of film that has some bull shit cult following, but I don’t care.  This movie blows bags.  It begins with terrible voiceovers and shitty/cartoony fire effects and goes down hill from there.  Let me get the minor annoyances out of the way first.  Aside from good make-up on the main character, it’s terrible effects.  The scenes in hell look like a JV version of Outworld in Mortal Kombat.  It even sucks when Simmons first goes into hell.  I prefer the black abyss of Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.  The heavy metal music is obnoxious, but I guess it fits the shitty tone they were looking for.  Now let’s dive into the two biggest flaws.  First of all, this entire thing is explained horribly.  So, the assassin Simmons dies, but he comes back as Spawn…but he can still go into hell, but he can’t die, but he can die?  What?  Seriously, this is what’s going on.  What the hell are they talking about!  The director (Mark A.Z. Dippe) has no idea what the hell he’s doing.  And the fights are so lame because they don’t mean anything.  The fighting occurs between people who are already dead!  And later on there’s a fight in Hell…but it’s in Hell!!  So…what’s the point!  What a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, movie.  I mean what are the rules here?  And why does Spawn have to go invisible when he’s fighting!  Bullets can’t hurt him.  Just kill them, stop fucking around!  But all this is nothing compared to the foul, annoying as hell, and disgusting villain known as Clown (John Leguizamo).  He’s just an R-Rated Power Rangers villain.  That’s what it is.  Let me just say this; at one point he farts, pulls out his underwear, and talks about how there are skid marks on it…and we can see them too.  Screw this movie to hell.

Rating: 3 out of 10 (Really Atrocious)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Martin Sheen as Jason Wynn
-He overacts it a bit, but at least he’s entertaining.  It’s sad to see him in this though.  I hope he got paid well.

Worst Performance: John Leguizamo as Clown
-We’ve already touched on this.  Look, I think Leguizamo is talented, but man has he been in some real shit projects.  This character is just repulsive and has terrible line after terrible line.  And what’s so dumb is that this is Rated-R, yet all his jokes and farting would only make kids and pre-teens laugh, so what’s the point?  They can’t see it anyway.

Best Line: “You wipe his ass too.” –Simmons to Wynn’s top henchwoman
-It’s a juvenile retort, but Michael Jai White delivers it well, and it really sums up the character.  She’s a complete suck up to Wynn.

Worst Line: “I was counting on Spawn killing you.  Then you would get his soul and kick start the apocalypse now.” –Clown to Wynn
-He says this to Martin Sheen’s character.  Martin Sheen was in Apocalypse Now.  Haha, get it?  Haha.

Best Fight:
-I refuse to pick one because the fights are pointless.  Its dead people fighting other dead people in places dead people go. 

WTF Moment:
-The Devil really sucks.  I know some of his powers are limited, and I admit I am no expert on the matter, but after Spawn escapes back to the Real World and the Devil tries to stop him, all he does is give a weak little reach.  I have to think he can put more effort into this…he’s the devil!!

Best Scene:
-When Spawn breaks through the ceiling interrupting the big party, the red cape flowing behind him was pretty cool.  The Spawn costume in general was fairly impressive I have to admit.

Worst Scene:
-So many pointless fights and scenes, but I have to go with the car chase.  Spawn chases Clown on a motorcycle he kind of creates.  It’s way too long, and after Spawn explodes the truck, Clown just floats away to where he needs to get too.  So why is he driving!  So many fricking holes, what a mess.

Funniest Moment:
-Clown had one funny line regarding Spawn’s burnt face: “Just a freak accident with some jiffy pop.”  Okay, that’s kind of funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-It’s very early in the movie.  Simmons fires this missile which turns into like four missiles.  This was the first scene, so I thought maybe this was going to be a solid flick…boy was I wrong.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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