Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #51

Catwoman (2004)

Plot: When lowly and clumsy artist Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is killed, she is endowed with the reflexes and powers of a cat, becoming Catwoman.  She seeks out the beauty company that killed her as it plans to release a product that will cause harm to thousands.

Let’s just get this out of the way first; this has nothing to do with the Catwoman character from the Batman comics.  It’s a completely different thing, so I’m not even going to waste my time complaining about that.  Wow, this is a terrible, terrible no good very bad movie.  What the hell were they thinking?  The director’s name is Pitof, and ole Pitof here had no clue what he was doing.  The acting is atrocious.  Benjamin Bratt plays the cop who falls for Patience and there’s a moment where he gets shot but never changes the emotion in his body or voice.  Wow.  The editing is even worse.  It just has this awkward tone about it.  The best way to describe how this movie was shot is if you took Battle: Los Angeles, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and The Blair Witch Project, put them all in a blender, and then got drunk.  That’s how some of these sequences look.  It’s a complete mess and just painful to watch.  The comedy is awkward, especially with the office interplay of Patience, her friend Sally, and the gay office buddy.  Gay people should be pissed about this movie as the guy friend is excruciatingly over the top, just infused with stereotypes.  Cats should also be offended.  They go way over the top to portray Patience actually acting like a cat.  When she’s hissing and eating oodles of tuna, it’s just uncomfortable.  Let’s not forget about some of the classic cat puns as well.  Catwoman steals a bike and says, “Time to accessorize.”  Catwoman grabs someone’s tongue going, “Cat got your tongue.”  Let’s move on.  When the second half rolls around, the editing and camera angles settle down, at least offering some semblance of story.  But by this point, you’re just bored out of your mind.  I clicked the time remaining button more times than Ang Lee’s Hulk for this one.  Oh yea, and the music is terrible.  The film is just a massive fail on every level.  The end.

Rating: 2.5 out of 10 (Nearly a Complete and Utter Disaster)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Sharon Stone as Laurel Hedare
-Let me be very clear.  There are no good performances in this movie.  At least Sharon Stone is somewhat entertaining when she’s on.  Her scenes were tolerable.

Worst Performance: Halle Berry as Patience Phillips/Catwoman
-She’s not the worst actor in this, but she’s practically in every scene and the ringleader of this whole mess.  It’s an awful performance.  When she’s Patience and stumbling around being all clumsy, it’s so awkward to watch.  She may look great in the costume, but her demeanor and performance make her almost undesirable at times.  It’s really quite an anomaly.  I feel bad for HalleBerry; a lot of this is on the director and the way the film is shot.  I’m sure she has nightmares about being in this movie.  It’s one of the worst mistakes a big name star has ever made.  This is Gigli level.

Best Line: “You’re a crazy cat lady.” –Patience
-Interesting…is this how that phrase got started?  What came first; this movie, or the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons?  If Catwoman was responsible for her, at least some good came out of it.

Worst Line: “What a puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurfect idea.” –Catwoman
-Yes, she does the tongue roll.  It was hard to watch.

Best Fight:
-The fight she has with Sharon Stone’s character at the end was passable.

WTF Moment:
-I talked about the editing before, but the scene where Catwoman is riding the motorcycle is not actually a scene.  It’s just a bunch of multi-colored lights flashing on the screen with the sound of a motorcycle. 

Best Scene:
-When Patience tells off her boss,HalleBerrydelivers it convincingly.  It’s the one decent moment in the film.

Worst Scene:
-Oh my God, Patience playing basketball.  It’s shot like a roller coaster, it’s over the top acting, and the music is terrible.  It’s all the problems throughout the film rolled into one scene.  Horrible. 

Funniest Moment:
-One of the cats gets this crazy wide eyed look.  And I don’t mean just kind of wide eyed, the eyes almost engulf its entire face.  That was pretty humorous.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Sharon Stone’s death and her landing on all the glass was kind of fun to watch.  It’s the one time the film was shot with some care.  Maybe a different guy did that scene.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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