Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #52

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Plot: When a group of vampires awaken the original vampire, Dracula (Dominic Purcell), Blade (Wesley Snipes) aligns himself with a group of young misfits known as the’ nightstalkers,’ led by Whistler’s (Kris Kristofferson) daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel).  Dracula is the key to destroying the vampire race for good.

It’s got a slightly different tone than the previous two, but it’s still everything you love about a Blade movie: awesome fights and bad ass weapons.  I like how Blade is put in the forefront a little more as he’s pursued relentlessly by the FBI.  The inclusion of Dracula, or ‘Drake’ as he’s called, is a very interesting villain.  Drake’s declaration that he and Blade are the only honorable vampires left and their whole dynamic is truly the heart of the film.  The scene where Drake goes into a Goth store and stares at all the lame products with his name on it with such disdain is a great moment.  I love when he goes off on the whiney Goth clerks, it’s pretty damn funny.  Speaking of funny, Blade: Trinity is a legitimately hysterical movie.  Ryan Reynolds is side splittingly awesome.  It’s just line after line after line.  He hits on 99.9% of these jokes.  Stuff like “We were going to go with the care bears, but that was taken” and “I ate a lot of sugar today” is just the tip of the ice berg.  And it’s not just him.  Parker Posey as one of the main villains was also laugh out loud, especially with her subtle facial ticks.  The casting was flawless, because if either Reynolds or Posey weren’t in this, these characters could have been a complete disaster.  And I’m talking Jar Jar Binks level disaster here.  Even with a lot more jokes compared to the previous two, it’s still a Blade movie.  It’s almost non-stop action, moves at a good pace, and delves into some pretty dark and twisted stuff.  Jessica Biel as Abigail is close to Blade level bad ass, especially when she takes out that lightsaber bow thing for the first time.  I really enjoyed the rag tag team of the nightstalkers, and I love Blade’s reaction to them.  This might be slightly worse than the other two, but its right there.  The best part of this whole ‘Superhero Movies on Steroids Series’ so far has been experiencing these films for the first time.  I think this is a great and underappreciated trilogy.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King
-I guess this is why he was chosen for Deadpool.  Man is he funny.  There’s a moment where he’s tied up, and the vampires are demanding information.  There’s a pause, but you know he’s about to say something hilarious.  I’ve never felt such suspense for a joke, but he delivered.

Worst Performance: Triple H as Jarko Grimwood
-It was kind of hard to find one, but Triple H just grunts a lot and doesn’t do much.  He does have one really funny line though, but it’s Parker Posey who makes it what it is.

Jarko: They pretty much fucking ass raped us.
Danica: Oh, you loved it.

Juvenile…but funny.

Best Line: “1,182.” –Blade on how many people he’s killed when asked by the cops
-He says it like it’s no big deal…that’s a lot of vampires.

Worst Line: “Cootchie coo.” –Blade after rescuing a baby
-Wesley Snipes actually talks a lot more in this one, and he’s fine for the most part.  But I think we could have done without this line.

Best Fight:
-Blade versus Drake is the weakest of the big fights in the trilogy, but it’s not bad.  Solid sword fighting…whatever.

WTF Moment:
-When vampires are killed in this one, they evaporate into yellow dust.  That didn’t happen in the other two.  Yellow dust?  I don’t get it.

Best Scene:
-I gotta go with the prison break out.  It’s Blade, Abigail, andHannibalgoing nuts.  A lot of cool arrow kills, and Blade getting his sword back is easily one of the best moments in the film.

Worst Scene:
-When Hannibal goes into Dracula’s exposition and we see a lot of the Dracula imagery, it looks kind of lame.

Funniest Moment:
-So many to choose from, but I think this one takes the cake.  Remember, garlic weakens vampires. 

Hannibal King: I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted.  Silent but deadly.

Bad Ass Moment:
-I’m actually going with an Abigail Whistler moment and not Blade.  Towards the end, a huge vampire grabs her from behind.  You think it’s going to be a long struggle or fight scene, but she struggles for about two seconds before unleashing the lightsaber bow from behind her, obliterating the vampire.  That’s pretty awesome.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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