Son of the Mask (2005)
Plot: When struggling cartoonist Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy) gets a hold of the Mask, he ends up impregnating his wife (Traylor Howard) while wearing it and their son is endowed with the same powers. As Tim struggles to deal with his super- powered baby, Loki (Alan Cumming), the God who forged the Mask, is on a mission to retrieve it.
Have you ever watched a movie so bad that your body just kind of fidgets and goes into an uncomfortable state as a way of trying to cope with the images on the screen? That’s what happened when I watched Son of the Mask. This is the kind of film where you end up re-evaluating the evolution of man kind. Are we devolving? Okay, it’s only a movie, but still, I just wanted to paint a clear picture of how unspeakably horrible this was. It’s a painful experience to sit through. I’m not joking when I tell you I’d rather have my wisdom teeth removed again rather then watch this a second time. And the scary thing is that this movie is under 90 minutes long. It was easily the longest 90 minutes of my entire life. I’ll never be able to run for President now because they’ll discover Son of the Mask was in my Netflix queue. Do I really have to get into specifics? The tone is just so unsettling. In fact, unsettling is the perfect word to describe this movie. I’m just going to rattle off a few things: A baby dances on an ultrasound reading. Tim Avery almost stabs his infant son with a broken lamp while half asleep as goofy music blasts in the background. A woman turns into a giant nose and sneezes. Oh yea, and Jamie Kennedy does a dance number that begins with hip-hop, morphs into an Elvis parody, shifts into a Western hoedown, and circles back with a rap sequence. I’ve said this a hundred times, but Jim Carrey really is one of the most talented actors of our time. Is this what the original Mask would have been like if he wasn’t in it? Even Jamie Kennedy, who I think is really funny, was just atrocious and painful to watch. Let me break down some of the plot points for you. The baby’s ultimate goal is to drive his dad so crazy that he’ll have to go to a mental institution while the family dog wears the Mask in an attempt to kill the baby. Like I said…unsettling. The special effects are terrible, the acting is terrible, and I’m a terrible person for watching this. Was there anything positive in this movie? Ben Stein at the beginning was kind of funny. That saves Son of the Mask from delving into 1 rating territory, but it’s awfully close. Every DVD, VHS, Blu-Ray, and print of this film should be burnt so the soul of this movie can burn in Hell, although I think that’s a bit of a paradox, because the movie could be Hell itself.
Rating: 2 out of 10 (A complete and utter disaster)
Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):
Best Performance: Ben Stein as Dr. Neuman
-It’s the mask expert from the first film. He gets one scene, and it’s mildly entertaining. If he was in multiple scenes though, I probably would have not picked anything for ‘Best Performance’ because I’m sure even Ben Stein would have gone down the vortex of shit that every one else does in this film.
Worst Performance: Lawrence Guterman (the Director)
-I was going to go with Jamie Kennedy, but really, it’s the director who’s at fault. If your film is a complete mess, then he’s the one to blame. I know Jamie Kennedy is talented. I even like him in Malibu’s Most Wanted which is far from perfect. The fact that Bob Hoskins sucks as well proves that it’s the director’s fault.
Best Line: “Apparently you do not agree with my theories.” –Dr. Neuman
-This is pretty good because its right after Loki rips apart his museum, but Ben Stein keeps that same deadpanned and nonchalant voice we know so well when he delivers it.
Worst Line: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” –Loki
-Only because I’m mortified that a great Muhammad Ali quote like this is associated with such an abomination of a film. I pray he got paid a ton of money for this. I’m also being a jerk for even mentioning this as the two will now become linked in a Google search.
-I refuse to pick one.
-The creation of this film. When you think of how many people work on a movie, it boggles my mind that so many individuals’ lives are now tainted as their names will be associated with Son of the Mask till the end of time.
-Once again, the opening museum scene with Ben Stein is the only watchable moment.
-Wow…so many too choose from. I guess when you have a baby peeing in multiple directions and ending with basically a waterfall of urine shooting out at Jamie Kennedy, that’s a tough one to beat. I will say this to the film’s credit…there wasn’t a scene where poop exploded into an entire room. I was waiting for it.
-The baby, which is terrible CG for a majority of the film, did have one humorous moment when he smiles deviously.
Bad Ass Moment:
-I refuse to pick one.