The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (2005)
Plot: 4th Grader Max (Cayden Boyd) escapes his dreadful real life as he dreams up the planet Drool and its heroes Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner) and Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley). But when his dream turns into a reality, Sharkboy and Lavagirl need him to help save their planet.
This is what would happen if a six year old wrote Inception. I don’t mean that in a good way. I hate to be harsh on a kids’ movie, but this just isn’t very good. The special effects are absolutely terrible as the kids are surrounded by really poor animation and CG. The story feels like they make it up as they go along. Kids’ movies should still have some semblance of rules. The dialogue is horrific. It’s so clunky, odd, and direct, and not even close to how kids and adults would interact with each other. This doesn’t even feel like a movie. It’s television level. It tries at times, but sometimes too hard. Really, they row down the stream of consciousness at one point? Wow. But now it’s time to delve into the real issues with this film. There’s a villain named Mr. Electric played by George Lopez who’s really annoying (what a surprise) and all his dialogue consisted of electricity puns. I had flashbacks of ice puns in Batman & Robin, it’s really that bad. At one point Mr. Electric farts electric sparks. Hahaha. How clever. The kid acting may be the worst I’ve ever seen. I hate picking on kid actors, but its Jake Lloyd Phantom Menace level, possibly even worse. The director (Robert Rodriguez) really needed to do something about this, because I couldn’t even focus on the film with how terrible it was. As far as kids’ films go, it’s harmless, with only two fart jokes. There are some nice ideas here, but everything is executed poorly. The second half is at least entertaining. It’s not awful, but there are hundreds of other kids’ movies out there with an actual coherent story.
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Barely Passable Entertainment)
Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):
Best Performance: Taylor Dooley as Lavagirl
-In a sea of terrible acting, she actually brings something to the table. Her character and performance is by far the most intriguing, and one of the few people that kept me mildly interested in this movie.
Worst Performance: Taylor Lautner as Sharkboy
-It was like watching a train wreck. Oh man, he’s terrible. Every single time he spoke, I shuttered. All his stupid little growls, his awkward head movement, I just hated it. He acts more like a hyper active hyena than a shark. He also sings at one point…ugh. The character is also kind of a dick. He’s always threatening to beat-up Max throughout the movie. I honestly thought this character was going to turn out evil. He’s such an ass bag.
Best Line: “Everything that is or was began with a dream.” –Lavagirl
-That’s not a bad line for a kids’ movie, although it may have been the only decent line in the film, so I don’t know.
Worst Line: “Watt’s up!” –Mr. Electric
-Yes, this actually happened.
-There’s really only one, and it’s when Max and Minus have their little dream off. Its fine, except there’s a part where there’s a bunch of floating brains that fart…a brain fart. Get it?
-Here’s another line from Mr. Electric: ‘For every person who dreams up the electric light bulb, there’s the one who dreams up the atom bomb.’ I don’t know, kind of morbid for a kids’ movie.
-When Mr. Electric sends giant wire plugs after the trio, one of them can’t reach, causing it to plug into an extension cord. That was pretty clever.
-When they are exploring the dream graveyard, there’s a giant Gameboy and Original Nintendo controller. This just pissed me off! Are they implying no one plays with these things anymore, and they are nothing but faded dreams of the past? What the hell! I still love original 8-bit Nintendo. What a bunch of assholes!
-Max’s dad gets in a fight with his wife and yells after her, ‘He’s not making any friends with these cookies!’ Wow, he totally bagged on his wife’s baking skills, hahaha.
Bad Ass Moment:
-Max is running away from Linus, the asshole bully who’s after his precious dream journal. When they have him cornered on top of the playground set, Max throws his journal through the tube slide and dives in after it. That was pretty nifty. It’s always good to find a use for a tube slide.