Fantastic Four (2005)
Plot: When a group of scientists and astronauts are exposed to a cosmic cloud in space, they are endowed with super-powers, getting the nickname ‘Fantastic Four.’ As they try and understand their abilities, Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon) who also accompanied them on the mission, starts to develop powers himself and attempts to take down the Fantastic Four, blaming their leader Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) for the loss of his business.
Is it possible to the like the low budget, rushed, un-released 1994 original better than this big budget spectacle? What’s the difference? Both suck. Fantastic Four has the misfortune of following Batman Begins as the next superhero movie. This is really the film where you start to say, ‘Enough is enough’ with these campy crappy renditions. After Batman Begins, we know what’s possible with these films, and while Fantastic Four isn’t horrible, it’s just so lazy, boring, jokey, and uninteresting. There is nothing here! You know right from the first scene that the actors aren’t taking it seriously. They are just like, ‘Yup, it’s a stupid comic book movie.’ And that’s exactly what we get. The acting is okay at times. Chris Evans is charismatic, but his jokes are horrendously unfunny. When Michael Chiklis isn’t the Thing, he’s fine, but once he gets into the costume, I absolutely despise the voice. It’s a joke. Oh, look at that, he can’t dial a phone, his fingers are too big. Uh-Oh, he breaks every glass he touches. Wow, just uproarious. Whoops! Sue Storm tried to go invisible, but she reappears in front of hundreds of people in her underwear. Hahahahahahahahaha! If you’re going to do half-assed character development and bad jokes, at least give us some action. We barely get any. The action we do get is usually lame comedic fights among the Fantastic Four themselves. There’s not even a plot for this movie. Victor von Doom as the villain is a complete waste of time. The pace and discovery of his powers is so slooooooooooow. It’s not until the last twenty minutes where he finally does something. The dialogue is atrocious.
Sue: You know Johnny. He’s always been a hot head.
Yea, he’s the flame guy. This line happened. Ugh. And I know the fanboys love their ‘It’s Clobberin’ time’ and ‘Flame on,’ but I’m sorry, these lines suck and needed to be cut out. This movie really rubbed me the wrong way just because of how lazy, dry, and putrid the jokes were. At least the 1994 version made me laugh.
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)
Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):
Best Performance: Ioan Gruffud as Reed Richards
-He at least takes some of the material seriously. He’s a good character to latch onto.
Worst Performance: Jessica Alba as Sue Storm
-Whenever she makes force fields, her face is laughably bad. And when she’s not making force fields, her tone and emotion are static with every terrible line she delivers. It’s Natalie Portman in Phantom Menace. Monotone. Monotone. Monotone. Monotone.
Best Line: “Dr. Richards. Allow me to begin your lesson. Chemistry 101. What happens to rubber when it’s super cooled?” –Victor von Doom
-I had to dig deep for one. I’m picking this because Doom finally puts on the silver mask and his voice is pretty chilling. So this was decent.
Worst Line: “Why the long face?” –Victor von Doom while stretching out Reed
-The end where they all battle Doom is solid, and easily the best action of the movie. Everyone uses their powers to cool effect. You get your fill.
-I don’t know if this is true in the comics, but the Thing’s internal organs are solid rock too? And when they show the projection of his heart beating as rock is just weird. Rock internal organs? That’s just…stupid.
-When Victor von Doom has Reed captured was mildly interesting.
-A pigeon poops on the Thing’s shoulder. Yay.
-The one truly hysterical moment, and easily the best directed scene of the film is right after the space accident when Ben Grimm is lying on the bed and the camera is from his perspective as Johnny Storm comes in. Johnny gets real serious as he tries to explain to Ben that plastic surgeons are doing all they can. Ben finally grabs the mirror, but it’s just his normal face. He isn’t the Thing yet. That was pretty funny, and Chris Evans nailed the performance.
Bad Ass Moment:
-When Reed Richards does his stretchy barrel roll thing and then morphs into a big bed sheet was pretty nifty.