Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #66

Lightspeed (2006)

Plot: After a top government agent (Jason Connery) is exposed to a heightened amount of radiation, he is endowed with super speed.  He works secretly outside his own unit to take down Python (Daniel Goddard), a terrorist bent on revenge against the government and whose body has taken on snake-like features and attributes resulting from a lab accident years ago.

This is just a waste of time TV movie.  There’s nothing here to like, but nothing I care enough about to really complain.  It’s hard to follow at times because I cared so little.  They can’t even handle an average action scene.  There’s way too much close-up and shaky cam for my liking.  And I don’t know if there was something wrong with my TV, but it goes to these weird blurry slow-mo action modes that are pretty lame.  The speed effects can’t even rival those in Smallville.  The music is terrible.  The acting is terrible.  The villain is kind of cool, and his snake body looks half-way decent on camera.  Other than that, my brain pretty much deleted everything about this movie when it ended.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Daniel Goddard as Python/Edward Bartlett
-The only mildly entertaining aspect to this movie.  His voice was pretty creepy, and the snake body actually looked okay.  His acting gets pretty bad towards the end of the movie though when he completely loses it.

Worst Performance: Nicole Eggert as Beth Baker
-She’s either over delivering, under delivering, and sometimes even going crazy monotone.

Best Line: “I didn’t want him to understand, I just wanted him to die.” –Python after killing the Senator
-It’s a solid villain line, and he says it really quickly, which basically matches up with how quickly he killed him.

Worst Line: “Lightspeed…my lightspeed.” -Beth as her and Daniel have a picnic
-The line is bad enough, but this is basically why Nicole Eggert got the Worst Performance.  She giggles this line out in the worst way.

Best Fight:
-The only option is this ho-hum fist fight between Lightspeed and Python.  Lightspeed doesn’t even use his speed.  What the hell!  And Goddard’s acting as Python is terrible here as well. 

WTF Moment:
-This could be some of the laziest writing of all time.  Lee Majors plays Tanner, the head of Lightspeed’s government unit.  It’s pretty clear he’s going to turn out to be a villain, but this is his motivation: He just felt like having fun and killing a few hundred people.  That’s his motivation?  Wow.

Best Scene:
-Python slams Lightspeed up against the wall and forces him to make the classic hero choice: His love, or hundreds of people.

Worst Scene:
-An exciting and intense montage of…physical therapy?

Funniest Moment:
-Daniel goes to a sporting good store to get an aerodynamic suit for his super speed.  The clerk is clearly playing it as a stoner stereotype.  When Daniel asks for higher shoes, the clerk responds, ‘You can never get too high.’  Haha.

Bad Ass Moment:
-One moment that was pretty sweet is when Lightspeed turns sideways, spins in between two goons, and forces them to shoot each other.


One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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