Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #68

Zoom (2006)

Plot: Years ago, Captain Zoom (Tim Allen) was the head of a super team known as Team Zenith.  When his brother Concussion (Kevin Zegers) turns evil after over exposure to gamma radiation, he destroys the Zenith team, but was stopped by Zoom who lost his powers in the process.  Years later, Concussion is returning, and Zoom must reluctantly train a new group of heroes, a mix of kids and teenagers.

Zoom could have been okay, but it’s plagued by a lot of frustrating details.  The acting among the four kids is pretty weak.  They barely have any chemistry.  One of the heroes is a six year old girl named Cindy, and her voice gets really annoying as they over play the cute thing.  She even gets the nick name Princess.  Courtney Cox is also irritating as this scientist who is pretty much Zoom’s biggest Fangirl.  They also incorporate this stupid character trait of her falling all the time.  How clever.  While it’s not terrible, there are some bad juvenile shenanigans, especially when some of the kids are trying out to be on the new team Zenith.  We get a farting kid known as Gas Giant, and a booger kid who can create giant…boogers.  Tim Allen also burps at one point.  That was unnecessary.  Allen holds the film together for the most part though.  He’s a real dick which was fairly amusing.  Chevy Chase is sadly present too and carries the film along with Allen.  They humiliate him a lot though which was really hard to watch.  The back story of Zoom’s brother going evil was decent.  There are a lot of minor annoyances though that really got on my nerves.  The Zenith base is Area 52…Wow.  There’s a flying saucer moving around and the special effect is just atrocious.  I think it was done over the weekend in some guy’s basement.  But the absolute worst thing about this movie is the fact that they thought it would be cool to have Smash Mouth do most of the songs.  Smash Mouth!  This came out in 2006?!!  I’m sorry.  I just have a major problem with Smash Mouth.  I don’t know if it’s because that fricking All-Star song was played everyday in the 90’s, but that band just stinks!  Other than that, the movie is fine for kids, but it’s pretty forgettable.

Rating: 5.5 out of 10 (Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Chevy Chase as Dr. Grant
-He actually has a few solid Chevy Chase one-liner moments.  The sad thing is that they really feel they have to humiliate him because it’s a kid’s movie.  Poor guy.

Worst Performance: Michael Cassidy as Dylan West/Houdini
-He couldn’t act his way out of the first level in Super Mario Brothers.  The performance is just a lot of goofy smiles, unconvincing rebellious facial expressions, and a total lack of energy.  How fitting he plays someone whose power is turning invisible.

Best Line: “In my day we just had that British guy named Ben who threw sticks at us.” –Jack on his Zoom training days
-That’s pretty funny, and one of those well delivered lines Allen exceeds at when he’s in his rhythm.

Worst Line: “You and I are destiny.” –Dylan to Summer
-I think he got confused and thought he was in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Best Fight:
-The fight everyone has with Concussion at the end was pretty solid.  The use of the concussion shock waves was done pretty well.

WTF Moment:
-The kids are rescued by Dr. Holloway when it’s revealed she has a super power.  The kids don’t even react to this!  What the hell!  They’ve been with her the whole movie, and they can’t even muster a ‘whatever.’

Best Scene:
-The training scene where they are being pelted with paintballs was pretty good, and later when Cindy has to throw weights onto the bulls-eye target that was kind of like curling.

Worst Scene:
-Dr. Grant, the Chevy Chase character, is in this experimental green house thing where the kids lock him in.  They basically push all types of buttons to fuck with him, like rain, lightning, and a skunk.  It’s a completely useless scene that just embarrasses poor Chevy Chase.  Even the kids who were pushing all the buttons were laughing, but they had this look like, ‘Yea, we shouldn’t be doing this to a comedy legend.’

Funniest Moment:
-There’s a kid who’s trying out to be on the new Team Zenith who can just blink really fast.  Everyone is like, ‘Why the hell is this person even here?’  But Chevy Chase’s reaction is ‘I am a little cooler.’  That line made me laugh as it’s delivered in a way only Chase can do.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Zoom gets his powers back at the end, and creates a pretty cool vortex to trap Concussion.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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