Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #76

The Condor (2007, animated)

Plot: After pro skateboarder Tony Valdez’s (Wilmer Valderrama) legs are crippled, his friend (Kathleen Barr) designs special robotic boots with a customized skate board that endow him with enhanced adrenaline.  With his new found power, Tony becomes ‘the Condor’ as he tries to figure out why his parents were murdered as their company’s technology is now being used for illegal experiments on humans, perpetrated by the mysterious Taipan.

Aside from reminding me of the awful Condorman, the fifth movie I reviewed for this series, this was an okay effort.  I like a lot of the characters, especially Sammi, Tony’s brilliant best friend.  She’s truly the heart of the film.  I like the relationship her and Tony’s skateboard rival Z-Man develop.  The villain is decent as well, even if he does look like Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe.  I thought the idea of the Condor, a superhero who rides a super skateboard, was going to be pretty lame, but it was actually one of the better aspects of the movie.  The animation looked real slick, especially when the Condor fights.  With this being an animated film aimed at a younger audience, there are some questionable moments.  You get a close-up of a heart exploding, which was kind of intense.  We also get this line from the beautiful and powerful Valeria: ‘Did that homely little bitch design these!’  Yikes.  But the stuff that really hurts the film is a lot of the dialogue early on.  It’s just straightforward with no thought whatsoever, very generic, especially the scenes with Tony’s parents.  The big surprise of the movie is also painfully predictable.  But the central problem is that the protagonist is just a complete dick.  I hated Tony.  Tony’s friend Sammi makes these awesome boots which help him walk again.  Tony is just like, ‘Yea, thanks,’ and then goes off with the gorgeous Valeria.  What an ass bag.  And he does this throughout the whole film.  Wilmer Valderrama is also horrible as the voice actor for Tony.  This really brought the film down significantly, but overall, it’s not bad.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Kathleen Barr as Sammi
-She’s definitely the best character, and being really into technology, she does a good job of talking really fast as she explains all her inventions and projects.

Worst Performance: Wilmer Valderrama as Tony Valdez/the Condor
-Just horrendous.  The voice sounds the same with every line he reads.  What really cements his bad performance though is when Sammi explains the nanobot technology and he basically responds with an ‘I don’t care’ attitude.  But that response was his reaction to everything in the entire film!  He just seems disinterested in every scene.  And why is his voice so quiet!  Was Valderrama reading his lines in a library?  Just stick to Fezfrom That 70’s Show, alright Wilmer. 

Best Line: “What the hell is that?  Sushi wisdom?” –Tony
-This is in response to the generic fortune cookie-like advice we hear all the time in movies.  This is probably one of the best responses to it I’ve ever heard.

Worst Line: “Oh no…ahhhhhhhhh.” –Tony reacting to his injured legs
-This is one where you really have to see it for yourself.  He reads this line in monotone fashion, with no emotion whatsoever.  Dude…you may never walk again!  I don’t know, maybe he was on pain killers.

Best Fight:
-There’s a lot of good fighting in this movie, but the final one between the Condor and Taipan was the best.  A lot of cool weapons and contraptions from Taipan, a lot of cool jumping around and dodging from Condor, and the entire battle is surrounded by a shit load of fire.

WTF Moment:
-This was the moment where I just couldn’t get on board with Tony’s character.  He’s at his parents’ funeral as Valeria walks up to him and says: ‘This party is just too depressing.  Really, is this anyway for a super star to spend his afternoon?’  The line is awkward enough, but Tony leaves right away as Sammi tries to comfort him.  And it’s not just that he leaves his parents’ funeral, but he’s really excited about going away with Valeria.  What an ass hat.

Best Scene:
-The first appearance of the Condor was memorable.  I really like the animation as it showcases just how awesome his special skateboard is.  Although I still prefer a Back to the Future II hover board.

Worst Scene:
-Stan Lee is making animated cameos now!  And seriously, the character is drawn as Stan Lee!  It’s like a double whammy.  COME ON!

Funniest Moment:
-Z-Man walks into Tony’s tent attempting to impress Sammi.  Sammi wants no part of him and replies ‘What an ass.’  Z-Man’s response: ‘Thanks for noticing.’  Haha, that’s pretty good.

Bad Ass Moment:
-There’s a moment towards the end where it looks like Taipan is about to finish off the Condor, but Tony is able to signal his skateboard back to him, ala CaptainAmerica’s shield.  He catches it in total bad ass fashion.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: THE FINAL RANKINGS « The Green Light

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