Football and Superheroes

Tonight is the best night of the year.  Why is that?  NFL KICK-OFF!  Yup, the NFL kicks off another great season, and this one feels extra special due to the fact that it almost didn’t happen.

But with all these superhero movies I’ve been seeing and reviewing lately, I thought it would be fun to pull out a few superheroes (and villains) and predict what NFL teams they would root for.  Would Superman be a Dallas Cowboys fan?  What jersey does Batman wear when he watches NFL Sunday Ticket in the Batcave as Alfred serves him a Bud Light?  Let’s take a look:

Superman would be an Indianapolis Colts Fan:

– Superman is such a powerful human being and can literally destroy you at will.  That’s what Peyton Manning does.  Peyton can pick apart a defense like he’s not even trying, just as Superman can rip through walls and barely realize he’s doing it.  I think Superman and Peyton can identify with each other due to their similar power levels.  And they both have their own kryptonite, Peyton’s being the playoffs.

Lex Luthor would be a Dallas Cowboys Fan:

-I think this one’s pretty obvious.  Lexcorp is worth well over a billion dollars, and Luthor thinks all the ridiculous weapons and robots he builds are bettering mankind, but really everyone just sees him as trying to take over the world.  Jerry Jones anyone?  It’s that reason alone why Luthor wears the Tony Romo jersey on Sundays.  If there’s anyone in superhero lore that would build the type of Stadium Jerry built, it would be Lex Luthor.

The Flash would be a Carolina Panthers Fan:

-The Flash can do one thing really well: run fast.  The Panthers can do one thing really well: run fast.  With two dynamic running backs in their back field (DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart), I think Flash would totally identify with this team’s philosophy.

Doomsday would be a San Diego Chargers Fan:

-The Chargers are an insanely talented and frightening team, but ultimately, their season is short lived.  Much like Doomsday, the Chargers don’t come in with any real plan and just try to bash their opponents apart with offense.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Doomsday can relate.

Wolverine would be a Baltimore Ravens Fan:

-The Ravens consistently have one of the best defenses in the NFL.  They play ferocious and angry.  This is Wolverine in a nutshell.  It’s not always a pretty win, but the Ravens are usually left standing with a victory because nobody can score against them.  Wolverine can just keep healing…you’ll never injure him.  There’s no doubt in my mind that Wolverine has a Ravens jersey hanging in his closet.

Magneto would be a Pittsburgh Steelers Fan:

-Magneto feels the mutant race doesn’t get enough respect.  The Steelers are always there in the end, but they are never picked to win the Super Bowl.  And when you disrespect the Steelers, they make you pay.  Dearly.  They are a smart, cold and calculating team, much like the leader for the Brotherhood of Mutants.  Plus, their team name is the Steelers…Steel-ers.  Magneto can bend metal…come on!

Captain America would be a New England Patriots Fan:

-I think this one speaks for itself.  Patriots.  Captain America.  Yeah, that sounds right.  But I also think Tom Brady and Captain America are cut from the same cloth.  When we look at Tom Brady, we see a guy who worked his ass off his whole life, but never got any football respect.  He was taken in the sixth round, nothing but an afterthought.  Steve Rogers was the same way: just a scrawny skinny guy who no one thought much of.  But much like the Patriots taking a chance on Brady, the Army did with Rogers, giving him the super serum.  When both men got the opportunity, they led their teams gloriously and selflessly to victory.  Besides, Captain America is also a brilliant tactician, much like Brady and Bill Belichick.

 Two-Face would be a Houston Texans Fan:

-Aside from the fact that they always seem to go 8-8 (which Two-Face would absolutely love), the Texans really are a Two-Faced team.  Sometimes they are fantastic, but other times they play like one of the worst teams in the League.  Much like how Two-Face flips his coin to make a decision, I feel like the Texans do as well when deciding whether they are going to be the good Texans, or the bad Texans.

Batman would be a Green Bay Packers Fan:

-This one was hard, but in the end, why would Batman not be a fan of the reigning Super Bowl Champs?  Batman trained for years to become the perfect weapon.  It seems like Aaron Rodgers waited for years to finally get the starting job.  But other than that, the Packers have a complete team on both sides of the ball, just like Batman is a complete fighter.  The Packers may not be the best at any of their positions, but they are solid all around, just like Batman.

The Joker would be a Philadelphia Eagles Fan:

-Madness.  Chaos.  Unpredictable.  These are all words you can use to describe the Joker…and the Philadelphia Eagles.  Michael Vick is the most unconventional QB in the League, but he’s also ridiculously successful.  When you look at the Eagles offense, it’s just crazy.  You have no idea what’s going to happen.  Will Vick throw deep to DeSean Jackson?  Will he hand it off to the dynamic LeSean McCoy?  Will Vick himself run 10 yards?  The way Vick plays is totally insane.  He leaves himself open to injury on every play, like he doesn’t even care.  That’s the Joker!  He’ll do whatever it takes to drive his opposition mad, even if it means taking a massive beating.

Well there you have it.  Now when you watch football on Sundays, you can imagine the Joker wearing an Eagles hat, or Luthor sitting in his office with a Dallas Cowboys jersey.

Movie Review – Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Plot: While trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease, Will Rodman (James Franco) falls into possession of a baby chimpanzee whose mother was given Will’s experimental drug, making the ape smarter.  Her genetics were passed onto the baby named Caesar, an exceptionally intelligent ape who will later liberate other Apes in this prequel to the original Planet of the Apes.

I was really reluctant towards this movie because Tim Burton’s 2001 remake scared me away from this franchise, even though it has nothing to do with this current version.  But I should have known better.  Look what happened eight years after 1997’s Batman & Robin…we got Batman Begins.  And just like with that franchise, the Apes have risen once again (pardon the pun).  But what shocked me about this film is how character driven it was.  The trailer is very misleading.  You think it’s going to be nothing more than apes ripping apart the city, along with every human in their path.  That’s not at all what happens.

The acting is stellar all around.  I’m not the biggest James Franco fan, and thought his performance in 127 Hours was a tad overrated.  But this is probably the best film he’s ever done.  I’ve never been emotionally invested in any of his characters, but you really care about him in this movie.  Even in a movie called Rise of the Planet of the Apes, one of its most engaging stories was a simple one: A man trying to cure his father of Alzheimer’s.  And that relationship fires on all cylinders.  John Lithgow does a great job as Will’s father, and he and Franco play off each other very well.

But let’s stop kidding ourselves.  We all know what the soul of this movie is, and that’s Andy Serkis’ amazing performance as Caesar.  Of course we all know Serkis as the man who played Gollum in Lord of the Rings.  Yeah, it’s CG, but the film simply doesn’t work without Serkis acting the part before the special effects are rendered.  Caesar was always riveting on screen, and he’s practically in the entire film.  There are hundreds of little moments I could talk about, but I’ll have to narrow it down to a few.

Probably my favorite scene in the entire movie is Caesar’s first interaction with other apes.  They all just stare at him as this infinitely smarter creature enters a world he’s never known, and it’s terrifying.  That’s when the character really hits you.  Caesar has been raised by humans, but ultimately can’t live among them.  But he also struggles to live with his own kind.  That’s some powerful stuff.

Another moment I loved is when the caretaker’s (Brian Cox) nasty son (Tom Felton) brings a few friends to the ape cages, and one of the drunken jackasses mocks Caesar.  The stare down Caesar gives this kid was extraordinary.  Not only was it a fantastic special effect, but it illustrated a key character trait.  Now that’s how you do great special effects!  And without spoiling it, there’s a certain something you are waiting for Caesar to do the whole movie, and when that happens, it’s pretty incredible.

What I also loved is how the film makes you feel not only for Caesar, but a couple of the other apes who don’t even get a tenth of the screen time he does.  It’s really towards the end where that comes into play.  And that’s what I mean by this movie being more of a character driven piece rather than sci-fi spectacle.

But don’t worry, you’ll get your action quota.  There’s a truly spectacular battle on the Golden Gate Bridge that really knocks you on your ass.  And the apes don’t attack like you think they would.  It’s more refined and disciplined than what you might expect.  The director Rupert Wyatt is pretty much a new comer here, only having done smaller projects, but he knocks this out of the park.

Now the film isn’t perfect.  The pacing is way too slow.  This is just one of the unfortunate drawbacks to being a prequel to a well established franchise.  The trailer also gives away too much information.  We know where it’s going, and at times I was just like, ‘alright, get on with it already.’

Another criticism I have to give is that it does come off as kind of silly at times.  There are a few moments where I’m staring at all these apes running around and sliding off of buildings and can’t help but snicker.  But really, those moments are barely there.  It’s executed very seriously 99.9% of the time.

While the last few minutes are a bit rushed, leaving the ending a tad unsatisfying, this is a great movie, and definitely the biggest surprise of the summer.  It’s the perfect blending of character development and special effects.  I cared about the humans.  I cared about the apes.  I was invested all the way through.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)      

Movie Review – Cowboys & Aliens

Plot: Set in the Old West, an advanced alien race attacks a small town and kidnaps some of the locals.  A small group heads out to track down the aliens where their only hope of stopping them is an outlaw (Daniel Craig) with no memory, and a powerful weapon attached to his wrist that he may have gotten from the aliens themselves.

What happens when you take a run of the mill cliché western and combine it with a run of the mill cliché alien invasion movie?  You get a run of the mill cliché action movie.  For a film called Cowboys & Aliens, this was an excruciating yawn fest.  There is no pop to this movie.  Everyone looks half asleep, especially our protagonist, Jake Lonergan, played by Daniel Craig.

I get Craig has really intense eyes and looks really cool, but that’s all he does.  He just looks intense throughout the whole movie.  There’s nothing interesting about this character except for the mystery surrounding him because he lost his memory.  And even that gets tiresome and embarrassingly predictable.  And in every scene, director Jon Favreau has to remind us, ‘hey, this guy is a bad ass.’  He always has to punch someone, or take out a group of guys, but there’s nothing clever or interesting about it.  It’s stuff we’ve seen a hundred times, done way better.  And the character barely talks.  Craig flashes his big eyes, and we are just supposed to go, ‘Oh man, Daniel Craig.  What a bad ass.’  Honestly, this movie could have been significantly better if another actor played the role, like a Leonardo DiCaprio or Jeremy Renner.  I put a lot of the blame on this movie to Craig.  There was just nothing there.

As far as the other performances are concerned, Harrison Ford is on auto-pilot as the grisly old war hero Woodrow Dolarhyde.  There’s one scene where he’s talking to this kid (Noah Ringer) whose grandfather was taken by the aliens.  It’s this emotional story about his dad, but I barely remember it because Ford put no effort into this speech whatsoever.  And that’s generally the trend with this film.  It’s just going through the motions.  Now as the film went on, Ford got more into it, and I started to like and sympathize with his character.  And there’s even decent character development between him and Lonergan, but by that point, the movie had lost me.

Two performances I did like though were Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano.  Rockwell is good in everything.  He always elevates the material.  I found myself rooting for his character the most as a guy that always backs down from a fight, but you like him so much, you desperately want to see him become a man by the end.  Dano has a small part as Dolarhyde’s privileged and jackass son, Percy.  Dano brought a lot of life and levity to a film that desperately needed more of it.

I also liked Olivia Wilde, but they make it so obvious from the first second you meet her that there’s going to be a huge plot twist with her character.  And when you find out what it is, we could have saved ourselves a lot of time and energy if she just came out and said what her deal was.

And that’s really where the problem comes in.  The pacing is just awful.  Slow is not the right word.  We need a whole new word slower than slow to describe this.  They have to force and shoehorn in so many conflicts that have nothing to do with the main story to draw this out.  There’s a useless scene and a run in with Indians, and an even more pointless stand off with Lonergan’s old gang that I could care less about.  This movie really could have been 80 minutes long.  The fact that it goes on for almost two hours is really unnecessary.

It makes me appreciate a movie like Independence Day that much more.  I’m not going to sit here and say Independence Day is The Godfather, but that movie is nearly two and a half hours long, yet I was never bored.  Why did I not get bored?  It had a lot of charismatic and funny characters with groundbreaking action we had never seen before.  It was a lot of fun.  This is anything but.  They go way too serious with it, and I’m sorry, but the movie is called Cowboys & Aliens…come on!

And speaking of the action, it’s okay.  It’s just average action.  They try and give you jump moments, but I never jumped once.  The action is directed fine, but it’s nothing special.  What I didn’t like was how the Jake Lonergan flashbacks and alien POV shots were filmed.  They looked really silly and kind of shaky cam Blair Witch Project-esque, but just green.  Those did not work for me at all.

Watching this movie makes me think of other sub-par blockbusters this summer like Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides and Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  While Cowboys & Aliens never gets to the low points of those films, it’s ultimately a worse movie.  Why is that?  As much as I don’t like Pirates and Transformers, I can at least point out memorable ‘holy crap’ moments like the mermaid scene and the building coming down in Chicago, but I can’t think of one ‘that was awesome’ moment from Cowboys & Aliens.  There isn’t one interesting or cool thing I can recommend about this movie.  There’s some decent acting, but I was bored out of my mind.

Bottom-line: When you keep checking your phone every ten minutes to see when the movie is going to end, I think that means it’s a bad movie.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10 (Bad) 

Why is Pirates of the Caribbean so Popular?

I just learned a few days ago that Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides became only the 8th movie in history to cross the $1 billion dollar mark worldwide.  This completely floored me.  I understand the success of something like Transformers.  Cars transform into giant robots and beat the crap out of each other.  I get that’s a recipe for box office success.  While I hate the Transformer movies with a burning passion, I at least understand their appeal.  But the money making machine that is Pirates of the Caribbean just baffles me.  Why are these movies so popular?

Now I’ve never liked the series.  I think all three are long, boring and mediocre at best.  In fact, I may even like 2 and 3 more, which is really out there.  They are so dumb to the point where it’s kind of entertaining, like watching a car crash.  There is not one thing that interests me about this franchise.  I guess there’s pretty good action, but it takes forever to get there.

When the 4th one was announced, I truly believed nobody cared about these movies anymore.  And when the trailers came out, I thought they were the most unappealing previews in the history of movies.  If these trailers were good for anything, they helped me to go to bed.  And then I saw the actual movie.  It’s not that this movie is horrible.  There’s just nothing there.  It’s the definition of ‘going through the motions.’  There’s one good scene with mermaids, but other than that, I couldn’t tell you one thing I remembered about this film.

I was confident after its first weekend that On Stranger Tides would go away, conjuring up mediocre business and I would never have to think about this franchise ever again.  Boy, was I wrong.  $1 billion dollars.  How on Earth does this film make $1 billion dollars!  I really need someone who enjoys this movie to sit next to me and explain what it is they like so much.  Movies don’t make $1 billion dollars without people going for repeat viewings.  The thought of sitting through this film more than once is horrifying.  What the hell is it about On Stranger Tides that garnered so much cash!  Is it the fact that they do nothing but repeat scenes from the original?  Is it the stock villain we’ve seen 500 times before?  Is it Penelope Cruz’s barely attentive performance?  SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME!

Wait a minute…I know why.  Is it really Johnny Depp’s performance as Jack Sparrow?  That’s why people come back for more.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  What is so damn interesting about this character?  He stumbles around drunk in pirate make-up.  That’s it.  That’s the character.  I guess he’s mildly entertaining for about ten minutes, but four 2 hour plus movies?  Cut me a break.  He never had a clear goal or motive: he just floats around aimlessly and does whatever is most convenient at the exact moment.  How does that make for a good film?  It’s like the movie can just make it up as it goes along.  Not to sound like an intellectual jackass, but pardon me if I want a little structure.  I really do detest this character.  It’s the most overrated performance in modern film.

Well, I guess I just need to accept Pirates of the Caribbean is going to be with us for a very, very long time.  Even though these films aren’t worse than a franchise like Transformers, I think the success of Pirates bothers me more.  I can point out ‘A+’ elements in every Transformers film, even the atrocity that is the second one (Revenge of the Fallen).  But the Pirates movies are all ‘C+’ at best.  They do nothing interesting.  The plots are impossible to follow.  They are just there.

$1 billion dollars for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides…unbelievable.

Movie Review – The Hangover Part II

Plot: Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand, and after the events at Doug’s (Justin Bartha) bachelor party in Vegas, he is vehemently against another wild outing.  But when the gang gathers for just one drink, they wake up in Bangkok with no memory again, and Stu’s future brother-in-law Teddy (Mason Lee) is missing.  Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Stu must put the pieces of the night together once again and find Teddy.

I thought the original Hangover was just mediocre, so I really didn’t have any expectations for the sequel.  I thought this was only a minor step down.  But if you loved the first one, you’ll probably be disappointed.

I think every single review for this movie has said the same thing: It’s just the previous film in a different location.  And for the most part, this is an accurate statement.  It has all the same beats as before.  Animals, crime bosses, misunderstandings, etc.  One thing that is different though is that there is more at stake.  These crazy bastards find themselves in a more dangerous situation, and while I appreciated that, it does hurt the film to some extent.

The Hangover 2 is a comedy, but it doesn’t always feel like one.  Right off the bat, newcomer Teddy, who the gang needs to find, is potentially in some serious trouble.  The fact that he’s a sixteen year old college kid hinders the comedy.  This isn’t Doug lost in the confines of Vegas.  This is some kid lost in Bangkok.  I wasn’t saying to myself, ‘Hahaha, they lost the groom.  What morons.’  I was more like, ‘Whoa…what the hell happened to this kid.’  There’s also something that happens to one of the characters about mid-way through the film that is not funny, and certainly ups the danger level.  Although it’s a bit darker and the stakes are raised, it is ultimately still a comedy.

The problem is that this movie, like so many other comedies these days, is nothing but shock jokes.  The first one had a lot of consistent and solid funny dialogue mixed in with the shock.  This is pretty much all shock gags.  And they are all predictable!  If you’re going to have this type of humor, you have to at least catch the audience off guard, and it never does.  Let’s just say there’s a really bad thing involving Stu that you can see coming a mile away.  I knew exactly when to close my eyes.  We’ll leave it at that.

The only person who seemed to have funny one-liners was Alan, the Zach Galifianakis character.  I thought I was going to hate him in this movie.  Galifianakis has been so over exposed.  But surprisingly, he was the funniest part of the film.  They just revved up his stupidity and ridiculous nature so much that I couldn’t help but laugh.  He’s also got a lot of hysterical subtle sight gags that had me rolling.  Bradley Cooper’s Phil had some good dialogue when they were in the Monastery, but other then that, the clever dialogue is non-existent.  Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms are really wasted here.

I do enjoy the camaraderie among the group.  They work well together in these movies.  More Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow, the gangster from the previous film, also fits into the group seamlessly.  I am biased though because I love Jeong in Community so much.

While I got chuckles on and off, they weren’t as frequent as the original.  It’s just too similar and way too predictable.  Not just with the jokes, but in some of the broader plot points as well.  The audience I saw this with was not laughing very hard.  I did appreciate that the situation they got themselves into was a bit more ridiculous, and part of me is intrigued by a third one just to see what would happen.  But they would need to drastically change the formula.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Movie Review – Hanna

Plot: Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a 16 year-old trained killer raised by her father Erik (Eric Bana) in the Arctic woods her whole life.  Erik, a former government agent, sends Hanna back into society to kill his former boss (Cate Blanchett) who relentlessly pursues Hanna and her father.

Hanna is like the realistic version of Hit-Girl from Kick-Ass.  Although she’s a bad ass assassin, this movie just didn’t connect with me.  I never felt like Hanna’s story was important, and that all starts with the character of Hanna herself.

Hanna is supposed to act like a robot.  She’s been isolated from the world her whole life, learning only how to fight.  When she’s repeating instructions from her father, she regurgitates them like a computer.  Saoirse Ronan plays Hanna very well, but almost too well.  She acts like such a robot to the point where that’s how I responded to her, with no empathy whatsoever.  Even with a film like Steven Spielberg’s A.I., which certainly has its problems, I connected with Haley Joel Osment’s David a lot more, and he actually is a machine.

But this goes back to the story just not feeling important.  It’s painfully predictable and cliché.  It’s the Bourne Identity, but less fun.  I commend director Joe Wright for making all the action seem more real and grounded, but I just never got invested.  The first half is really slow and meanders along.  Hanna spends a lot of time with this family she discovers on her travels.  While the question of ‘will this family get hurt because they’re with Hanna’ tension was effective, it just moves way too slow.  There are a couple interesting and humorous moments where Hanna is completely lost when experiencing things like a television or running water, but this causes the film to go off track and forget its goal.  And while the second half definitely picks up, the whole feel of the movie is just underwhelming.  I was more interested in the secondary characters than Hanna.

I loved Eric Bana and Cate Blanchett.  Bana’s Erik felt more sympathetic, and you could tell from his performance that he was troubled and forced to do something unethical back when he was an agent.  It’s unfortunate that you spend so little time with him when compared to Hanna.

Blanchett’s Marissa is just so driven and determined.  Even though you get very little information on why Marissa is so desperate to take them down, you know she’s a threatening villain because of her demeanor and approach.  Her interaction with the other characters is easily the best part of the film.  There’s a scene where she manipulates this kid into giving her the information she needs that is so slimy, but great too watch.

The movie has a definitive style of artistic camera angles that you just don’t see in the chase action flick, but it works for the most part.

Probably the first thing you’ll discuss after seeing this though is the music composed by the Chemical Brothers.  It’s a very distinct style that I enjoyed very much, although at times it did feel like it belonged in some old arcade game like Donkey Kong.  One thing that drove me nuts though was this eccentric assassin (Tom Hollander) Marissa hires to catch Hanna who hums the same damn tune throughout the whole movie.  Even now, I can’t get it out of my head!!

Hanna is filled with some good tension, but the chase scenes go on way too long.  I enjoyed the climax, but a lot of the action just felt underwhelming.  While there’s good acting and a distinct style, the premise and character of Hanna was just completely uninteresting to me.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Mario Brothers and the Warp Pipe

I was playing Super Mario Brothers the other day, and I just can’t help but get fascinated by the Green Warp Pipes.  There are so many of them, and not just in the first game, but every single Mario game ever made.  I’m just wondering what the hell goes on in that pipe?  I mean how do they work?  Why do some have different colors?  What if he got stuck in there?  Look, I’m not here to offer any kind of concrete knowledge; I just want to raise the questions and offer some theories.  So let’s explore the pipes in the Mario Brothers World, shall we?

First of all, why can you go down some and not others?  Maybe some pipes are actually closed off and have some kind of hatch or top.  We really can’t see because of the side view.  But then how come Mario can stand on the ones with holes?  Either way, the logic doesn’t hold up.  Mario can walk on thin air for the pipes you can go down.  We never see him lift up any door or anything.  How is he walking on thin air?  If there was some kind of wind or air current keeping him afloat, then how the hell can he go down inside the pipe?  Maybe the pipes in the Mushroom Kingdom are simply enchanted or magical.  That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

And what about the Piranha flowers who pop up out of the pipes and shoot fireballs?  There’s a lot of mystery with these bastards.  First of all, when Mario goes down a pipe, how does he know there’s not a flower waiting for him?  I guess he could look inside the pipe, but who knows how deep it is?  What if it’s there waiting for him at the end?  And how deep does the flower go down?  Does the vine of the flower stretch all the way to the end of the pipe?  But what I really don’t understand is that I’ve definitely seen Mario go down one of the pipes with a Piranha flower inside it.  How the hell does that work!!  If it goes back inside the pipe and Mario goes down, wouldn’t the flower be waiting for him?  Does it disappear when it goes inside the pipe?  WTF!!

I guess we should start exploring what happens to Mario once he’s inside this thing.  As we all know, when Mario goes into the squat position, he sort of freezes as he goes down the pipe.  Okay, my take on this is that the pipes are in fact some kind of enchantment as I brought up earlier and Mario doesn’t even realize when he’s inside the pipe.  He’s in some kind of deep sleep or coma like state.  When he comes out of the pipe, he’s brought back to consciousness.  This could also explain the flowers not being able to kill Mario.  Everything inside the pipe is frozen and not harmful.  Mario just floats right through it.  Now every time he goes down the pipe, we get that sound effect.  I’m not sure if Mario hears that or not, but I’m not too concerned about the sound effect to be perfectly honest with you.

Okay, now it’s time to explore the heart of the matter.  Where did these pipes come from?  Now I’m about to get a little crazy here, so be warned.  But I do feel strongly about this.  In Super Mario Brothers 3, Mario explores all the worlds that make up the entirety of the Mushroom World itself.  Each world I believe gets progressively deeper, until Mario finally reaches the heart of the Mushroom World, Pipe World, or World 7.  I know people are going to say, well about the 8th world, ‘Dark World.’  I believe ‘Dark World’ or World 8, is on a separate plane and completely Bowser’s own territory and not really affiliated with the Mushroom World.  But that’s a debate for another day.

Anyways, I believe that because Pipe World is truly the heart of the Mushroom World, the pipes are actually the foundation for the entire Kingdom.  In essence, the pipes created the Mushroom World.  Think about it?  They run through all the worlds, and you can even get to World 7 via the pipes from one of the earlier worlds with the whistle.  How does the whistle connect to the pipes?  The whistle is clearly a powerful magical object and obviously linked with the pipes somehow.  The pipes show up everywhere!!  Not to mention the fact that World 7 is nothing but a system of pipes.  So if Mario were to go through the right combination of pipes in World 7, he’d probably find the birthplace, or first pipe, of the Mushroom World where the pipes all probably interconnect and respond too.

Bowser should stop kidnapping Kings and the Princess, and focus on finding this original pipe and destroy it.  That would in turn destroy all the pipes in the entire world and completely undo the Mushroom World causing a total apocalypse.  Although I have to believe it’s nearly impossible to discover the original pipe, and not even the Princess has seen it.  And honestly, I would imagine it would work like the Ark does in Raiders of the Lost Ark where if you looked directly inside the pipe, you would ultimately die.  Or if you were to go down the pipe, you probably remain in the deep sleep state and just float around the pipe system throughout the Mushroom World for all eternity.

This is why Super Mario Brothers 3 is the greatest Mario game of all time.  Mario could have been a few pipes away from discovering the birthplace of the Mushroom World.  OMFG.  The biggest flaw in my theory though is that how was Bowser able to infiltrate World 7 whereas Mario had to battle through every world of the Mushroom Kingdom to finally reach the heart of the Mushroom World.  Certainly Bowser’s resources and power make this viable.

I actually think the last Mario Brothers game of all time should be Bowser attempting to locate this pipe with plans to destroy it, in turn destroying the entire Mushroom World.  And the last battle would be Mario luring Bowser inside the pipe where he would float throughout the Mushroom World frozen forever.

Well next time you play Mario Brothers, don’t just toss all those warp pipes aside.  Just remember there could be something greater going on…