Welcome once again to another TV Show Brawl Series. Today we examine a Battle Royale of brotherly proportions. That’s right – The Wonder Years and Boy Meets World. Aside from Fred and Ben Savage starring in these respective shows, the programs have many similarities. Both feature main characters who endure an on again/off again romantic interest through out the series. Both face the trials and tribulations of high school and beyond, learning about life, love, and how not to be an asshole. But who would win in an all out war between these two shows? Would it be Fred’s clan from the late eighties/early nineties but which took place in the sixties/seventies, or would it be Ben’s army, who’s show was on the more lighthearted ABC TGIF line-up. This will be a 5 game series folks! Break out Kevin Arnold’s crappy car he bought for a dollar. Grab Topanga’s promise ring Corey gave her for Christmas. Let’s start the brawl!
Match-Up #1: Battle of the Savages
Corey Matthews vs Kevin Arnold
Although both characters date attractive on again/off again girlfriends and appear to have similar personalities as teenage romantics, they are 2 very different people. I actually don’t think it’s that close of a fight. Kevin Arnold seems like a goody two shoe on the surface, but he does some pretty ballsy things. He tells the school bully to basically go screw himself and gets his ass kicked for it. He’s constantly bluffing in poker. And his first day of high school he goes out of his way to piss off the biggest disciplinarian in the school. This is some gutsy shit. How about Corey Matthews? He’s a weenie! When he got his driver’s license, he drove like 10 miles per hour on the high way and signaled people to go around him. He’s always panicky and flailing his arms. Corey never takes a risk and is in constant fear of change. Kevin Arnold wins hands down. This is ironic, because when Fred Savage made a guest appearance on Boy Meets World as a sleazy professor who tries to get with Topanga, Corey knocked him the fuck out.
Winner: Kevin Arnold
Boy Meets World: 0 The Wonder Years: 1
Match-Up #2: Battle of the Girlfriends
Topanga Lawrence Vs Winnie Cooper
This is a little closer. Both are exceptionally bright. Topanga was valedictorian for the John Adams Class of 1998. Winnie scored above 1500 on the SATS. Both started out as weird and kind of dorky, but blossomed in the course of 1 day. But really, I have to give this one to Topanga. Look at these stats: She completely wears the pants in the Corey/Topanga relationship. She’s gone up against guys and was able to beat them up. But the biggest stat of all is that she once forced Mr. Feeny to give her 1 more A on an assignment that was supposed to be un-graded. I mean really, Mr. Feeny backed down! We’re not fucking around. What has Winnie ever done? Honestly, aside from being pretty darn attractive, she’s a completely boring character. And she went through like 50 boyfriends her first year of Junior High. She’s indecisive. We can’t have those kinds of lapses in this fight.
Winner: Topanga Lawrence
Boy Meets World: 1 The Wonder Years: 1
Match-Up #3: Battle of the Sidekicks
Shawn Hunter vs Paul Pheiffer
Now on the surface, I’m sure you all think its Shawn Hunter hands down. Not so fast. First of all, Paul Pheiffer is a genius. He ends up going to Harvard! Yea, the guy may have some allergy problems, but we’ll let it slide. We really need to examine Shawn Hunter though. True he’s a slick ladies man who always seems to be in control, but I’m sorry…he loses this fight. Why? He’s going to be his own downfall. This is not an emotionally stable human being. Every season his asshole dad would leave him, and he just becomes an emotional mess. He’s always freaking out and running away. He develops a huge drinking problem and he’s way too sensitive. He also got taken in by a freaky cult. No way he holds it together in a fight. Pheiffer pulls off a huge upset here due to Hunter’s implosion.
Winner: Paul Pheiffer
Boy Meets World: 1 The Wonder Years: 2
Match-Up #4: Battle of the Idiot Brothers
Eric Matthews vs Wayne Arnold
Both are morons. These guys are just plain stupid. Wayne Arnold is pretty pathetic. What has the guy ever accomplished? I can’t even remember a single episode that revolved around him. All he does is chuckle along calling Kevin “Butt-Head.” And it’s always the same insult. “Butt-Head.” Think of something new! Eric Matthews is insane. The guy belongs in a mental institution. In the earlier seasons, he seemed fairly normal; just a lazy kid who tried one too many get rich quick schemes. But in the later seasons, he’s nuts. He hid in a glass food case to try and sneak attack Topanga. He created a twisted TV show ala the Truman Show using his roommates as pawns. And he followed his brother on his honeymoon for absolutely no reason, hiding in the sand taking notes. But Eric will win for one simple reason; he can withstand pain. This guy has been electrocuted, he’s fallen off school roofs, he was put in a cooking pot in Hawaii, and he was constantly hurting himself while studying for the SATS. He’ll do something that hurts himself, but he can survive it, whereas Wayne would just sit there cackling “Butt-Head” to himself. What a lazy shitbag.
Winner: Eric Matthews
Boy Meets World: 2 The Wonder Years: 2
Match-Up #5: Battle of the Mentors
Mr. Feeny vs Jack Arnold
Well it’s a tie match-up as we go to the final showdown. This is a tight one. I honestly don’t know where to go with this fight. This is truly a Superman/Lex Luthor type of match-up. Jack Arnold is a terrifying human being. Whenever he grunted, I would have nightmares. I’ll never forget the pilot episode when Kevin gets in trouble at school. His mom and the principal talk for a couple minutes and all of a sudden after not saying anything, the camera pans to Papa Arnold as he says, “I’d like to take him home now.” He eyes bulged out like he was about to rip an entire city apart with his knuckles. Holy shit. But honestly, as scary as Jack Arnold is I just don’t think Mr. Feeny would give a shit. Mr. Feeny is like Danny Tanner, Wilson Wilson, and Jason Seaver combined into one giant figure of wisdom and sage like advice. Now there is no way Mr. Feeny can win a straight up slug fest with Jack. So the real question is this: Can Feeny convince Jack to back down with mind games and fortune cookie advice, leaving him open for a Feeny finishing move? The answer is….
Winner: Mr. Feeny
Feeny wins it. It comes down to this: Feeny would be able to convince Jack Arnold that he’s a non-violent protester who’s never been angry or agitated. This new persona would battle Jack’s old persona creating a internal struggle. How can Jack win if he doesn’t even know who he is. Wow Feeny, wow. Well done.
Boy Meets World: 3 The Wonder Years: 2
Well there you have it. The Boy Meets World crew conquers the Wonder Years. Until next time, and remember, “What would you do when this boy meets woooooooorld.”
There are some questions that may never be answered. Does God exist? Are we alone in the universe? How many baseball players actually did steroids? But one age old question that will be answered today is who would win in a brawl between the characters from Saved by the Bell and Full House. 2 classic shows – but just one winner emeriging victorious as supreme champion of cheesy 90’s sitcoms. I don’t know about you, but I’m on the edge of my seat. So as Michelle Tanner would say, “Grab some ouce-cream,” hitch a ride to the Max, and lets watch the spectacle together.
Match-up #1: Battle of the Main Characters
Zack Morris Vs Danny Tanner
Ah yes, the 2 big cheeses. This is a tight first match-up. Danny is tougher than he acts. Remember when he proved his athletic prowess by helping win a 3 on 3 basketball tournament for charity? Also, Danny would use a variety of cleaning supplies which include many deadly chemicals when you get them in your eye. And he knows the intricate parts of all them. I guess you could say he would clean Zack’s clock…hahaha. But seriously. Danny is a tough opponent, but Zack has the ultimate move that is just unblockable. “Time!” That’s right. Zack could just call a time-out and freeze everything. Danny would be helpless. After calling time, Zack would then procede to hit Danny with his giant cell phone. A bloody end to Mr. T as Kimmy Gibbler would say.
Winner: Zack Morris
Saved by the Bell: 1 Full House: 0
Match-up #2: Battle of the Fashionables
Lisa Turtle Vs DJ Tanner
The big fashion battle. Although DJ matured on the show, she was always obsessed with fashion and how she looked. Remember when she wanted to spend $160 on blowouts, “the raddest” sneakers this side of San Fran. But Lisa was also a fashion obsessed maniac. That’s what she always wanted to study in college. So who would win between these 2 fashionables? Well, I got to give it to Lisa Turtle on this one. I think DJ gets a little too emotional sometimes. She wouldnt hold it together. And besides, Lisa is always on her guard. She has to fend off Screech all the time. Another Saved by the Bell victory. An early 0-2 hole for Full House.
Winner: Lisa Turtle
Saved by the Bell: 2 Full House: 0
Match-up #3: Battle of the Goofballs
Samuel “Screech” Powers Vs Joey Gladstone
This is a very close fight, but lets face it – these guys are going to inflict more pain on themselves rather than each other. Both fighters have a lot to offer here. Screech is always involved with crazy schemes and science projects that tend to go awry. Joey can psyche Screech out with his many voice talents and could always employ the help of Mr. Woodchuck. Ultimately what this comes down to though is that Joey was a pretty good hockey player in college. I think that gives him the slight edge. Besides, Screech is a bit more accient prone than Joey. He would probably lose the fight himself by getting struck by lightning just like on the show. What a mess. Score one for the House!
Winner: Joey Gladstone
Saved by the Bell: 2 Full House: 1
Match-up #4: Battle of the Forgettable Characters
Jessie Spano Vs Stephanie Tanner
Lets be honest. We could have done without these characters. They were just kind of there. Nothing special about them. But they were part of their respective shows and deserve a chance in the spotlight. I think Jessie has the clear edge. She’s going to train like crazy for this fight by studying every one of Steph’s moves, including the dreaded Mr. Bear Beatdown. But we all know how this is going to play out. Jessie will get to hyped up on caffine pills, freak out, and be the cause of her own demise, basically giving Steph the win by default. After a quick “How Rude,” Steph ties it up for the Tanner clan.
Winner: Stephanie Tanner
Saved by the Bell: 2 Full House: 2
Match-up #5: Battle of the Hair
AC Slater Vs Uncle Jesse
Although both characters spend a lot of time on their hair, this one is not even close. AC Slater destroys Uncle Jesse. The guy is on the wrestling team, football team, and looks terrifying in a Bayside tank top. What’s Uncle Jesse going to do? Sing him a Beach Boys song. Slater will not show Uncle Jesse any “mercy.” An utter domination from the Bell. It’s up to you know who to tie up for Full House…
Winner: AC Slater
Saved by the Bell: 3 Full House: 2
Match-up #6: Battle of the Perky
Kelly Kapowski Vs Michelle Tanner
They were beloved. They were adorable. They were sweet and nice. But which one of them wins it all? Let’s look at the stats. Kelly was a cheerleader. Michelle was a Honey Bee. Kelly was Zack’s girlfriend. Michelle bought a donkey one time. It’s a tough one. But I have to give this one to…Michelle. Yup. First of all, I just think Kelly is too darn nice. She also needs to depend on other people. Whether it be Zack or her short flirtation with Slater, she always needs to rely on a boyfriend. She only gets by because of smarter friends Jessie and Lisa. I just don’t see the fire. Also, I think Michelle would have access to a very powerful weapon…Commet. Yea, the Tanner dog. Commet would obey her every whim. Kelly’s cheerleading would be powerless against it. So does Michelle come through in the clutch for Full House…”You Got it Dude.”
Winner: Michelle Tanner
Saved by the Bell: 3 Full House: 3
Uh-Oh. We’re tied up. Don’t worry, I was prepared for this. It looks like we are going into sudden death. I have 2 very special fighters waiting in the wings. This one will decide it.
Match-up #7: Battle of the Annoying Sidekicks
Mr. Belding Vs Kimmy Gibler
Oh boy. What a battle. What can we say about these 2? They are really fricking annoying. But they’ll have to decide it. I think this fight comes down to 1 important element. Each fighter will pull out their best move, and this 1 move will determine it all. So here it comes. Mr. Belding’s annoying laugh against Kimmy’s bad foot odor. Both draw at the same time. Now Kimmy’s foot odor is strong, but Mr. Belding’s laugh is so deafening, it has the power to send the odor back towards Gibbler. It’s a battle of wills my friends. So who comes out on top…
Winner: Kimmy Gibbler
I just think the odor is a little stronger. This foot got DJ pulled over one time by a cop. Sorry Belding.
Saved by the Bell: 3 Full House: 4
Well there you have it. The Full House crew barely comes out alive. I guess that wraps it up. And remember, “Every where you look it’s alright because you’re saved by the bell.”