Tonight is the best night of the year. Why is that? NFL KICK-OFF! Yup, the NFL kicks off another great season, and this one feels extra special due to the fact that it almost didn’t happen.
But with all these superhero movies I’ve been seeing and reviewing lately, I thought it would be fun to pull out a few superheroes (and villains) and predict what NFL teams they would root for. Would Superman be a Dallas Cowboys fan? What jersey does Batman wear when he watches NFL Sunday Ticket in the Batcave as Alfred serves him a Bud Light? Let’s take a look:
Superman would be an Indianapolis Colts Fan:
– Superman is such a powerful human being and can literally destroy you at will. That’s what Peyton Manning does. Peyton can pick apart a defense like he’s not even trying, just as Superman can rip through walls and barely realize he’s doing it. I think Superman and Peyton can identify with each other due to their similar power levels. And they both have their own kryptonite, Peyton’s being the playoffs.
Lex Luthor would be a Dallas Cowboys Fan:
-I think this one’s pretty obvious. Lexcorp is worth well over a billion dollars, and Luthor thinks all the ridiculous weapons and robots he builds are bettering mankind, but really everyone just sees him as trying to take over the world…Jerry Jones anyone? It’s that reason alone why Luthor wears the Tony Romo jersey on Sundays. If there’s anyone in superhero lore that would build the type of Stadium Jerry built, it would be Lex Luthor.
The Flash would be a Carolina Panthers Fan:
-The Flash can do one thing really well: run fast. The Panthers can do one thing really well: run fast. With two dynamic running backs in their back field (DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart), I think Flash would totally identify with this team’s philosophy.
Doomsday would be a San Diego Chargers Fan:
-The Chargers are an insanely talented and frightening team, but ultimately, their season is short lived. Much like Doomsday, the Chargers don’t come in with any real plan and just try to bash their opponents apart with offense. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Doomsday can relate.
Wolverine would be a Baltimore Ravens Fan:
-The Ravens consistently have one of the best defenses in the NFL. They play ferocious and angry. This is Wolverine in a nutshell. It’s not always a pretty win, but the Ravens are usually left standing with a victory because nobody can score against them. Wolverine can just keep healing…you’ll never injure him. There’s no doubt in my mind that Wolverine has a Ray Lewis jersey hanging in his closet.
Magneto would be a Pittsburgh Steelers Fan:
-Magneto feels the mutant race doesn’t get enough respect. The Steelers are always there in the end, but they are never picked to win the Super Bowl. And when you disrespect the Steelers, they make you pay dearly. They are a smart, cold, and calculating team, much like the leader for the Brotherhood of Mutants. Plus, their team name is the Steelers…Steel-ers. Magneto can bend metal…come on!
Captain America would be a New England Patriots Fan:
-I think this one speaks for itself. Patriots. Captain America. Yea, that sounds right. But I also think Tom Brady and Captain America are cut from the same cloth. When we look at Tom Brady, we see a guy who worked his ass off his whole life, but never got any football respect. He was taken in the sixth round, nothing but an afterthought. Steve Rogers was the same way: just a scrawny skinny guy who no one thought much of. But much like the Patriots took a chance on Brady, the Army did with Rogers as well, giving him the super serum. When both men got the opportunity, they led their teams gloriously and selflessly to victory. Besides, Captain America is also a brilliant tactician, much like Brady and Bill Belichick.
Two-Face would be a Houston Texans Fan:
-Aside from the fact that they always seem to go 8-8 (which Two-Face would absolutely love), the Texans really are a Two-Faced team. Sometimes they are fantastic, but other times they play like one of the worst teams in the League. Much like how Two-Face flips his coin to make a decision, I feel like the Texans do as well, and decide whether they are going to be the good Texans…or the bad Texans.
Batman would be a Green Bay Packers Fan:
-This one was hard, but in the end, why would Batman not be a fan of the reigning Super Bowl Champs? Batman trained for years to become the perfect weapon. It seems like Aaron Rodgers waited for years to finally get the starting job from the villainous Brett Favre, who I guess we can compare to Ra’s Al Ghul if we’re using the Christopher Nolan continuity. But other than that, the Packers have a complete team on both sides of the ball, just like Batman is a complete fighter. The Packers may not be the best at any of their positions, but they are solid all around, just like Batman.
The Joker would be a Philadelphia Eagles Fan:
-Madness. Chaos. Unpredictable. These are all words you can use to describe the Joker…and the Philadelphia Eagles. Michael Vick is the most unconventional QB in the League, but he’s also ridiculously successful. When you look at the Eagles offense, it’s just crazy. You have no idea what’s going to happen. Will Vick throw deep to DeSean Jackson? Will he hand it off to the dynamic LeSean McCoy? Will Vick himself run 10 yards? The way Vick plays is totally insane. He leaves himself open to injury on every play, like he doesn’t even care. That’s the Joker! He’ll do whatever it takes to drive his opposition mad, even if it means taking a massive beating.
Well there you have it. Now when you watch football on Sundays, you can imagine the Joker wearing an Eagles hat, or Luthor sitting in his office with a Dallas Cowboys jersey.
The NFL season has finally arrived (Thank God) and while I’m already giving up on my fantasy team (Thanks Michael Crabtree), that doesn’t mean I’m not still pumped about the season. The only thing I love more than the NFL is probably Star Wars. So I thought I’d analyze all the divisions but make Star Wars analogies while doing so. So if you love Star Wars, then this is the analysis for you. And if you don’t…Well, try and keep up.
-Even though I’m a die hard Patriots fan, I have to characterize them as the Empire of this division. Belichick and Brady might as well be the Emperor and Darth Vader. Belichick is a genius who controls the division while Brady is the most powerful Jedi/Sith in the League with devastating power. The Jets on the other hand are Jabba the Hutt’s palace. Sexy Rexy is Jabba the Hutt while Darrelle Revis is his Rancor. But while they have defense, their offense is like Bib Fortuna. Totally inept (Sorry Sanchise). I guess we can call the Dolphins the Rebel Alliance – a feisty young group with interesting weapons who ultimately aren’t ready to take down the Empire. And the Bills…well, let’s just say they are Alderan.
Winner: New England Patriots
-A very tight division. We can immediately discount the Browns. Although the Bengals have flashy hired guns ala Boba Fett (TO), Palmer doesn’t have the skills anymore to get them past the other two teams. When I think of the Ravens, I immediately think an army of Wookies. I mean come on, how is Ray Lewis not like Chewbacca. In the end though, I think it will be the Steelers left standing. Big Ben will be back soon enough, and I see Troy Polamalu as Darth Maul here – just slicing everyone up in his path with a double bladed lightsaber.
Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers
-Man, another extremely tight race. Let’s discount the Jaguars who can be described as the plot of Episode I: the Phantom Menace: Unbelievably boring. Now I think the Texans are more like the Rebels at the end of Return of the Jedi. Ready to take down the Empire that is the Colts. Arian Foster looked like an army of Ewoks on Sunday. But they still have to contend with the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the League (Peyton Manning). And let’s not forget the Death Star of the NFL, RB Chris Johnson of the Titans. But ultimately I think they are too mediocre in every other area to overtake the Colts or the Texans.
Winner: Houston Texans
-Just call this division Hoth. It’s a division that’s isolated from the NFL, an abyss of crap. Sure you have a lurking Wampa in Phillip Rivers, but the Chargers are nothing special. The Chiefs are kind of interesting, but this hype will be short lived like Count Dooku’s career as a Sith. Denver is a huge work in progress. And the Raiders…let’s just call them the Battle Droids as Al Davis is inept as Nute Gunry, the viceroy of the Trade Federation.
Winner: San Diego Chargers
-This division is basically the second Death Star Battle at the end of Return of the Jedi: Complete and utter chaos filled with Star Destroyers, Tie Fighters, X-Wings, etc. I don’t know where to begin. The Eagles QB situation is about as stable as Jar Jar Binks. I just can’t take them seriously. It’s easy to call Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys another Empire, but these Cowboys haven’t accomplished anything even though they are loaded. And the Redskins…who knows? McNabb is like Luke Skywalker: Moments of brilliance mixed with moments of…not so brilliance. I think I have to go with Eli Manning’s bunch. They’ve been there before and have a balanced team. Just like Wedge Antilles…solid all around.
Winner: New York Giants
-The Bears will live and die by Jay Cutler, and I can sum him up like this: He’s Dak, Luke’s co-pilot in the Battle of Hoth who claimed he “felt like he could take on the whole Empire by himself,” but died 4 seconds into the battle. The Detroit Lions…improved, but not enough. This comes down to Packers and Vikings. Brett Favre is Mace Windu – an exceptionally powerful warrior whose last act completely screws over the Galaxy. I’ll take Aaron Rodgers. He’s Princess Leia – a fantastic leader who makes great decisions but also knows how to deliver the devastating attacks.
Winner: Green Bay Packers
-The Saints will dominate. Although Carolina has the Han Solo/Chewbacca running back tandem (DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart), their QB situation is more Jeck Porkins. Tampa Bay Bucs are merely Mynocks, slightly annoying. And the Atlanta Falcons are good, but Matt Ryan is highly overrated. I look at the Saints like I look at the Millenium Falcon. Their offense is not much to look at on paper, but Drew Brees is like the light speed of the ship. He makes it all look great.
Winner: New Orleans Saints
-If the AFC West is Hoth, then this is Dagobah. Another isolated division. Although Kurt Warner (Yoda) used to be here, he’s retired, becoming one with the force. Pretty much these four teams are just a bunch of insects and swamp monsters occupying the planet. I’ll just say the 49ers by default. What a terrible division.
Winner: San Francisco 49ers
There you have it, my NFL predictions with a touch of Star Wars. Remember, the NFL will be with you…always.