It’s one of the greatest video games ever made. What am I talking about? The odyssey that is Nintendo’s Punch-Out! The characters, the music, it was just an epic experience. Now I played the original version with Mike Tyson before they had to change it to Mr. Dream, or something like that, I don’t know. I’ll never forget when I beat Tyson. I had been playing that game for years and I finally won on a split decision. I’ve never even TKO’d the guy.
With the new Wii version that was just released, it got me thinking…What if they made a Punch Out movie? Who would the cast be? Assuming I had an unlimited budget, here is who I would love to see play the original characters from the game (Tyson not included).
Shia LaBeouf as Little Mac
Yea, he would have to toughen up a little bit and not seem like such a dork, but I think Shia could pull it off. I would expect him to really go method and get inside Little Mac’s head. Little Mac has so much heart in the game, and Shia needs to express that to the audience. If he does…give him the oscar.
Forest Whitaker as Doc Louis
I don’t know why, but this just makes sense. The role of Doc (Mac’s trainer) requires an established veteran at the helm and Whitaker is certainly that. I thought about Denzel Washington for this role, but he would be way to intense. Doc drives Mac hard, but he’s always calm. Plus, it would be funny to hear Forest Whitaker say lines like “Join the Nintendo Fun Club today.”
Owen Wilson as Glass Joe
There is no other choice. Glass Joe is clearly a lover, not a fighter. He is from France after all. Oh relax, I’m kidding. But seriously, look at Owen in Wedding Crashers. He wanted to hit on the ladies instead of play football with the boys. That is Glass Joe.
Gary Oldman as Von Kaiser
As much as I love good ole Gary in the Nolan Batman movies, I miss him playing those sadistic bad ass villains. This makes him perfect for the crazy Von Kaiser. Oldman would knock this role out of the park. Look at those eyes!
Ken Wantabee as Piston Honda
He’s one of Little Mac’s most notorious opponents. Piston Honda is key. He fights Little Mac a second time, so we are going to need a top notch actor here. As long as Wantabee can move his eyebrows up and down at a fast and evil pace, he’ll be fine.
Ben Affleck as Don Flamenco
Cocky. Arrogant. Annoying. That is Don Flamenco in a nut shell. So why not Ben Affleck?
Dennis Franz as Bald Bull
So maybe you do some CG on his body, but come on, he’s perfect! Bald Bull is the most hard nosed out of the Punch- Out crew, so Franz is ideal here. I only worry that he may not be able to pull off the bull charge.
Dev Patel as Great Tiger
Fresh off his Slumdog Millioniare success, I think this would be a challenging but rewarding role for Patel. Even though most of Great Tiger’s performance would be special effects, you still need to bring a quiet intensity to the character. Don’t let me down Dev.
John Goodman as King Hippo
I feel bad about this one because I love the man so much and I’m sure no actor wants to hear these words from their agent: “They are interested in you for King Hippo.” The fact of the matter is though that John Goodman as King Hippo would be awesome. This is the comic relief of the film, so why not get one of the funniest actors out there.
Dolph Lundgren as Soda Popinski
For those who don’t know, Dolph was Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Dolph would have to shave his head and grow a mustache, but he already has 2 key qualities for making a good Soda Popinski. He’s played a Russian in a boxing movie before. He’s also really really big and strong.
Samuel L. Jackson as Sandman
Whatever, put a wig on him. The Sandman is the scariest fighter Little Mac goes up against. You need to fear the shit out of this guy. I think Samuel L. Jackson can pull it off. Can you imagine him saying lines like, “Time to put you to sleep Little Mac.” Wow.
Mickey Rourke as Super Macho Man
When I saw the Wrestler, I immediately thought of Super Macho Man. He was that guy in the movie. Now remember with no Tyson in the film, this is the final guy Little Mac would fight. He needs to be very well developed and so a fantastic actor is needed. If I could see Mickey Rourke as Super Macho Man in a Punch-Out movie I could die a happy man.
Well that’s my dream Punch-Out cast. Will it ever happen…probably not. Be sure to play the new Punch-Out on Wii, it kicks ass. And remember, “Join the Nintendo Fun Club today.”